Are you looking for quality couches, sofas, loveseats, and dozens of other ways to describe the exact same piece of living room furniture, all at the absolute, rock-bottom, lowest prices of the season?!

What if I also told you that you could take home the butt cushion of your dreams with no money down, no payments until Columbus Day (don’t worry – we’ll tell you when it is…), no interest for 17.25 years … but only if you get up off that lazy, new-couch-needing rump of yours and head on down to where we’ll be cooking up savings all holiday weekend long?! That burning smell* must be the money in your pocket because no man, woman, child, or other could resist a sale like this…

* Note: please do not confuse said burning smell with the raging tire fire that the authorities are working to contain out back behind our warehouse. We’re told that it’s completely safe, as long as everyone within a 1000-foot radius wears face masks to help prevent against smoke inhalation, but really, who doesn’t wear one of those in this day and age?! They tell me the kiddies have even made it a fashion statement at school … mainly because they’re the only thing they can wear anymore that won’t set off the metal detectors.

If you ask me, or even if you didn’t and just happened to be innocently walking by when I started in on this tirade, there’s no better way to celebrate the working class here in America than by going shopping for something that’s going to take you five years to pay off and cost you thousands of dollars in interest in the process! I think our forefathers, and also their foremothers and/or foremistresses, would be proud to know that we’ve taken this fair holiday of theirs and transformed it from not only honoring the working men and women of America to also allowing them to use it to fill their homes with fancy, above-average furniture with which they can later impress their friends and family during parties and other less furniture-purchasing-oriented holidays.

Of course, if there was only one thing that we could do to make this weekend even more of a tribute to those who meaninglessly punch a clock day after day in hopes of one day being injured on the job so that they can sue for a huge payout, I’m happy to report that it’s already being DONE!!! So don’t forget, after you pick out that thirteen-piece living room set with built-in toaster and automatic ejector seats, to then proceed as fast as those scrawny legs of yours can carry you over to your favorite department store of choice where they’re offering once in a lifetime deals on slacks, skirts, stockings, swimwear, suspenders (yes, people still wear them, albeit dorky-looking people…), smocks, shirts, sleeveless sweaters, Santa Claus costumes (Christmas is only four months away, and Halloween only two!), shorts, sexy items that almost certainly won’t look nearly as good on you as they do on the mannequins, socks, spray on hair, spectacles, and from what I hear, even a few special deals that don’t even fit into the spiffy bout of alliteration that I had going on here…

The point is, you really can’t afford to sit around drinking beer with your friends and family this Labor Day weekend, enjoying the precious time off while reminiscing about those endless days of summer that still surprisingly managed to come to an end. You can barbeque any weekend when you don’t otherwise feel obligated to do roughly a million odd jobs around the house that your wife keeps concocting in an effort to bring your home up to her standard of living. Sure, friends and barbecue and even a little touch football in the backyard is all well and good, but just remember that without savings like these, you’d have to go out there and work even more!

And we know that our lazy, lazy forefathers wouldn’t have wanted that. Now what do you think would go better with this shade of carpet – shamrock or cerulean???