Come on – a smile? A childish grin?! Gimme something – it’s Christmastime, for crying out loud…

And sadly, true to the phrase there actually has been an awful lot of crying out loud taking place around Wall Street and Main Street and pretty much any other street that features businesses who at one time were able to offer their employees a 401k with a straight face as we’ve watched our money rapidly become more worthless than those dry and flavorless Russian tea cakes that people try to pass off as “cookies” this time of year. These days when everybody and their corporate brother is begging Congress for billions of buckazoids merely to keep their heads above water for a few more months, you’d be lucky to land yourself an approval for a $5 footlong at Subway, much less any amount of actual “credit,” as we once knew it!

Which frankly, is a bit of a problem this time of year because really, who buys their Christmas presents with money that they’ve actually already earned, anyways?! The holidays are supposed to be all about credit cards and home equity lines of credit against your mortgage and other completely legitimate lendings from big, burly Italian guys with names like Jimmy the Butcher and Frankie FICO Score, so what’s a guy to do when Ye Olde River of Liquidity has done all dried up? Well, never fear, folks – for your friendly, neighborhood humor columnist is here!

No, no – I can’t actually loan you money to help put slingshots and toy kettles under the tree for your young’uns this year – what do I look like, a sucker?! But what I can do is just as good, arguably better if you happen to be my accountant who would’ve gotten stuck keeping track of something crazy like that, because what I’ve done here for you today is put together my definitive list of how to fill that otherwise empty void underneath your Christmas tree with a plethora of presents that just scream, “Hey – what did you expect?! We’re freaking broke!” Screamed with love, mind you, and during this magical, sleigh bell-filled time of year, that’s got to count for something…

…because until this economy picks up, it’s gonna have to! Nonetheless, without further ado…

Scott’s 2008 “Economy’s in the Crapper” Holiday Gift-Giving Guide…

 Nuts & Berries
Although most effective if the recipient happens to be a grizzly bear or other furry, woodland creature, still, everybody’s gotta eat sometimes and Checkers just doesn’t seem to store away for the winter quite like you would expect a horribly greasy, artery-clogging sandwich of death would. Instead, show some of the folks on your list that you care about their health by giving them something they would’ve otherwise had to forage for … just watch out for real bears.

A Few Gallons of Gasoline
It may not seem like much now, but three months from today when gas is back up between $4 and $5 / gallon, suddenly your stupid gift of petroleum-based holiday delight isn’t so stupid anymore! Grab a few extra cans and put something under the tree* this year that they’ll really look forward to for months to come – perfect for soccer Moms, taxi cab drivers, and even teenagers who may otherwise never actually get to “purchase gasoline” at the rate we’re going.

* Note: Please do not actually put cans of gasoline underneath your Christmas tree – this humor column accepts no responsibility for houses, huts, trailers, or shacks burnt to the ground in a grand holiday blaze by your generous, gift-giving spirit.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving
Not sure where one might find this in the retail sector, but I just remembered that I saw it in a Garfield cartoon as a kid and it seems like it could actually be quite useful in this day and age! “Gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme…”

VeggieTales Presents The Toy That Saved Christmas
A heartfelt tale in which the good citizens of Dinkletown struggle against old man capitalism before finally learning the true meaning of Christmas, this is one fun-loving digital video disc that you’ll be proud to have in your collection for … nah, just kidding! Even during the absolute worst of times, it’s never a good idea to invite talking cucumbers into one’s home because let me tell you from personal experience, it never ends with just the cucumbers…

A Dick in a Box
I can’t think of any better gift for that special lady in your life! Don’t waste her time with a diamond ring, a fancy car, or a house in the hills – just go get yourself a box and well, you know what to do…

Something Homemade
Preferably some sort of currency, realistic-looking enough to sneak by the late-night clerk of the local convenience store in exchange for some Ramen and smokes. Remember, it’s only illegal when…well, technically it’s always illegal, but then again, I’m not sure if they have recessions in jail, so it might be a worthwhile either way…

Your Heart
They say that romance booms during the recessions, pretty much because everyone suddenly finds themselves with plenty of free time on their hands on account of being too broke to go out and actually do anything! What better time to hunker down and make a little love?! Just be careful the lengths you’re willing to go with your newfound love – bathtub gin for a sudden wedding is surprisingly affordable, but bathtub breast milk for a new addition to the family … not so much.

The Gift of Song
And before the RIAA gets all up in our business, no – I’m not advocating the theft of copyrighted materials valued at a ridiculously alleged $175,000 per track. I’m talking about a simple, upbeat melody – maybe a gentle tune whistled from the beak of a songbird on a crisp, winter morning or a cheerful motivator from a Julie Andrews-type while happily pushing through an otherwise menial list of daily tasks.

Don’t worry – we’ll be sure to make it something from the public domain, just in case…

A Partridge in a Pear Tree…
What can I say – the classic Christmas hymn has more usefulness in these modern ages than we knew! Granted, some of the later gifts in the series require far too much upkeep to be worth the hassle (you ever see how much crap one goose a’laying can produce, let alone six?!), but this single bird and tree combo, on the other hand, offers the perfect collaboration of song and fruit to keep its recipient caroling right on ‘til New Years!

What’s that? “What if the recipient doesn’t like pears?!” Friends, in these harsh, recessional times, there are only two kinds of people – those who love pears, and those who will learn to love pears.

Happy shopping, and remember – if you can’t pay for it with change found between the cushions of your couch, keep dreaming, buddy!