Thanks to Mother Nature and her stupid cold front, it’s been a bit nippy around here lately, especially for anyone or anything that happens to live outside. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s certainly been chilly for us humans with our central heat and wool sweaters that we end up wearing literally two weeks out of the year, but don’t worry – this isn’t another one of those columns…
By all means, us humans have it rough when your average cold snap dances the funky chicken into town on a Happy Hour-induced dare, but apparently we’re not the only ones shivering in our boots right now … or so I’m learning. You see, over the last few days as the temperatures have plummeted, I’ve begun to notice an odd, little trend that I openly admit that I’ve never seen before, not in my previous years here in Florida and definitely not in my years growing up in snowy Northern Michigan. My friends, I talk today about the oddity that are plant blankets.
There I was, driving through our quaint, little suburban neighborhood earlier this week, grumbling about how morning needs to come much later in the day, when out of the corner of my eye I saw Superman. Well, it was Superman’s picture, anyways, emblazed on a blanket, which normally wouldn’t seem all that out of the ordinary except for the tiny, little detail that said blanket just so happened to be draped over a shrubbery in front of one of my neighbor’s houses at the moment. “Maybe it just got a little crazy for family game night at that house…” I thought, but then a few houses down I found even more blanket-covered shrubberies and bushes and even small trees! It was like somehow had deemed it necessary to tuck the plant world in before heading off to bed themselves the night before…
And it should come as no surprise, but this completely caught me off guard because I’d simply never heard of such a thing before! My house didn’t come with any sort of manual that said, “Don’t forget to bundle up the hedges when it starts to get chilly outside…” or anything. And coming from Northern Michigan, covering up ones foliage when it looks like a cold one would simply be impractical because your bushes would be wrapped up in sleeping bags and comforters 363 days out of the year! How cold is too cold? Which blankets should I use?? Do I get bonus plant points if I also bring them hot chocolate on those particularly brisk evenings???
It’s hard for me to even picture how this whole process takes place, at least in any sane household. The whole family is gathered around the dinner table, discussing how their day went and how they just can’t wait for next weekend when they get to go to the baseball game, gosh golly, oh boy! And then, out of the corner of his eye, Dad notices the weather channel in the other room coming on with the 7-day forecast and his eyes go wide. The fork, still piercing his next bite of cheese ravioli, drops to the table as Mom and Dad’s eyes meet from across the table, both quickly bolting up from the table and rushing to separate bedrooms in the house. Bobby and Suzy begin to cry as their parents furiously rip the blankets from each and every bed in the house before dashing outside to cover up anything with leaves inside their property line. Fifteen or twenty minutes later, the two walk back into the house, both visibly exhausted, with Dad turning to Mom as they return to the table, sincerely saying, “I just pray to God that we made it in time…”
Later that evening, the four sit silently in the living room, all huddled around a single candle flickering in the darkness. The kids shiver incessantly without a single blanket or towel left in the house for comfort, but Dad and Mom beam smiles back and forth nonetheless, knowing deep down that their $35,000 landscaping was safe for another harsh, Floridian cold front.
Well, call me crazy, but in my world people rank a little higher than foliage, especially as far as linens are concerned! There’s a good chance that the plant life surrounding my humble abode won’t exactly be thrilled by this totalitarian decision that I’m about to proclaim, but make note that I will never be caught scurrying about the yard in my pajamas, hastily draping my clean bed sheets over the bushes and shrubs in concern that they may get chilly during the night. I might pour a warm cup of milk into the soil just before bed to help them sleep, but that’s as far as I’m willing to go!
Silly seedlings, blankets are for people…