Can a brother spare a gallon? A cup? Maybe even just a tablespoon?! Because frankly, my lawn will take just about anything you can give it at this point!

I don’t know if the rest of the universe has heard, or even if you guys care for that matter, but here in Florida we’re experiencing a bit of a water shortage right now … which I know is more than a little ironic, seeing as how the Sunshine State is surrounded on three sides by water and our main tourist attraction outside of Mickey Mouse Land is the freaking beach, but alas, it seems that there’s not much that we can do with such copious amounts of salt water other than frolic around in a carefree manner in its presence, and although that actually sounds pretty good right about now, no quantity of wet and wild, bikini-clad ladies is going to help make my grass turn green again.

…sorry, ladies

So needless to say, we’re in just a little bit of a panic down here, or at least our fearless leaders are as they attempt to conserve water by any means necessary. Of course, watering lawns and washing cars were obviously the first to go, along with turning off those cool, ornamental fountains that gurgle water so prestigiously on promenades throughout the city. We’ve even heard hair-brained ideas as bad as attempting to restrict restaurants from openly handing out glasses of ice water to patrons unless they specifically request it, and even then I think it’s only supposed to be considered “on loan.”

Don’t ask how the whole “return policy” works … let’s just say that people start to get a little desperate when the swimming pools runneth dry around these parts!

I guess the funniest part of the whole situation is that while here in April, we’re clamoring for water like our frozen Margaritas depend on it and the fate of the backyard barbecue as we know it is at stake, check back with us in about a month and a half when we’re entering into the “stupid rainy season” where everyday is a banner day for the umbrella salesmen of the Sunshine State and no doubt we’ll be singing a very different tune. You know, when “What do you mean I can’t even wash my car?!” becomes “Ahhh, screw it – let the rain take care of it…” and errands that don’t get ran by 3:00pm are gonna have to wait until later for fear of melting … but hey, it still beats getting blown away by a hurricane…

Of course, in the meantime until that liquid gold begins thundering down from the heavens with a vengence once again, life here in the Sunshine State of Florida … the floppy-hat-wearing tourism capital of the world, home to former heavyweight champion Hollywood Hulk Hogan, and the proud host of 14 Olive Garden restaurants (featuring the never-ending pasta bowl), is going to be a little different from that carefree, aquatic-loving lifestyle to which we’ve become accustomed. We’re all going to have to make some sacrifices along the way, whether it be by learning to enjoy wading in the family pool as opposed to actually swimming in it, by sneaking into the bathroom and turning off the faucet while other people are brushing their teeth (just in case they didn’t learn that conservatory gem back in kindergarten), or even by simply ordering that next fruity, umbrella-laden drink without ice – remember, every little bit helps!

I, for one, have been doing my best to help do my part my by continuing to be too lazy to care about washing my car until this dry spell is over. Mind you, I tried going even above and beyond to call of duty by also being too lazy to care about doing the dishes, the laundry, and pretty much anything else that required getting up from my comfy location smack dab in the middle of the couch, but in retrospect that ended up just creating a whole new mess of problems to boot…

But never fear, my fellow Floridians, for we will drudge through this depressing drought, we will come together as a state and rebuild our region’s water reserves, and with the hard work and dedicated conservation efforts of each and every one of us, eventually we will all be able to shower again some day!

What’s that, you say? It’s not that bad of a drought?!

Good to know…