So I don’t know if you’ve heard, but I recently published my first book.

Oh, who am I kidding?!  I don’t know how you possibly couldn’t have heard – the promos are plastered all over this site six ways from Sunday, and that’s not even counting the sky writer or the singing gorillas that are scheduled to stop by later on this afternoon!  I wanted to rent a blimp so that I could really show up in style for the book signings, too, but my people (basically being my wife) seemed to think that transportation via dirigible was something that we should probably hold off on until at least book two…

Somewhat disappointing, I know, but still, I can’t really complain too much because ultimately I’m really proud of the way that my first effort into the world of print actually turned out.  It’s a good book, and I’m not just saying that because I’m the author and I’ve poured my heart and soul into its 210 pages of hilarious wordplay, sacrificing sleep, personal time, and more than the lion’s share of my sanity over the last several months to get the thing put together!  Or because every copy sold puts me a little closer to that new boat that I’ve been eyeing, either.

Ok, so maybe I am just a little biased.

Regardless, though, as with any other big, important purchase that you might be considering, it never hurts to sit down and list out the pros and cons before making your decision.  Oddly enough, I couldn’t really think of any cons to buying my book, but as for the pros, well, submitted for your just consideration, here’s the list of reasons that I managed to come up with…

  • My Mom recommended it to you.
  • You’ve got a wobbly table that desperately needs propping up.
  • You feel guilty about laughing from all of my hilarious humor columns for free over the last ten years.
  • You feel guilty about not actually reading any of my hilarious humor columns over the last ten years.
  • Where else are you going to find insight about hanging your Christmas lights, cutting edge analysis of road rage across America, as well as charming, little anecdotes about bears, bugs, and mutant ducks all in the same book?!
  • Maybe you happen to owe me ten bucks from that one time when we did that thing back in college and honestly, this is the only way that I’m ever going to see even a fraction of that money ever again.
  • Two words: street cred.
  • You happen to be a grilled cheese sandwich aficionado and have been anxiously looking for a copy of the classic column that I wrote for Humor Columnist Survivor back in 2002 about the rise and fall of this favorite for all ages in modern society.
  • You’d like to see my future children go to college so that they can get real jobs that don’t involve writing jokes about militant cockroaches, grilled cheese sandwiches, and the toils of trying to repair one’s own toilet.
  • You love me, you care about me, and you want me to be a successful humor columnist who has his own boat, and maybe a nice time share in Hawaii, too, as long as it doesn’t have those ridiculous maintenance fees that they don’t tell you about until it’s too late.  Any or all of the three might apply…

And if each and every one of those don’t serve as perfectly legit reasons enough, simply know that I do truly appreciate everyone who opts to purchase a copy (or three!) just as much as I appreciate you simply taking the time to read my funny, little ramblings here each week!  Without all of my readers who enjoy The Humor Column every Friday, these columns would just be a few hundreds words of me talking to myself on the Internet about why I can’t seem to keep houseplants alive and whether or not the toads on my back porch are plotting against me … and admittedly that would be kind of weird.

I hope everyone who buys a copy enjoys the new book!  Rest assured that if I’m able to get that whole blimp thing figured out for next time, you guys will definitely be first in line for free rides as long as Barnes & Noble doesn’t mind us landing in their parking lot…