When I was a little kid, I used to dream of having a huge vault full of pennies that I could swim around in like Scrooge McDuck…

Of course, it never ended up working out in real life, both for financial as well as logistical reasons – I mean, you never would’ve guessed it from watching the cartoons, but diving into a mountain of coins would actually really hurt if you stop and think about it!  And what good is all of that money if you’re always getting rushed to the hospital for concussions and currency-related spinal injuries as a result of your mad desire to go swimming in it instead of just counting it over and over again like any normal multiplujillionaire?!

Fast-forward to over twenty years later and honestly I hardly use change at all anymore these days, much less even the meager pennies that I once used to hoard in great abundance growing up, which is why frankly I was a little taken aback the other day when I came to learn that apparently they went and changed the design on the back of my formerly-beloved pennies!  Well, actually I guess they did it about a year ago, but me and my debit-carding ways are just getting around to finding out about it now.  Oops.

The thing is, I’m honestly not really sure how I feel about updating the single-most worthless coin that we currently have in circulation … the one that most of us would have to think twice about bending over to even bother picking up these days … the one that costs more to make than it’s even worth!  I mean, not for nothing but I don’t think I’ve paid for anything with pennies since I was twelve years-old, so to me updating something that we don’t even use anymore is like waltzing into the 21st century and giving us a new cotton gin or a moveable type printing press. Besides, they’ve raised the price of Lik-M-Aid and Jolly Ranchers down at the corner store up into the range of silver coinage anyways … maybe the time has finally come for us to just call it a day for these copper couch crusaders and move on to bigger and shinier denominations…

On the other hand, though, there’s a part of me that just can’t help but admit that, well, I really like the look of the new shield-emblazoned pennies, as if they’ve been endorsed by the likes of Captain America himself! Despite the fact that I’ll probably never use a single one in an actual financial transaction of any sort, who knows – maybe more superheroes on coins is exactly what we need to finally jumpstart America and get this economy of ours turned back around.  I mean, certainly no disrespect to our founding fathers and all, but maybe it’s time to trade up some dead presidents for people who can shoot laser beams out of their eyes or stop bullets with their bare hands … you know, someone that the kids can really look up to for a change!

For all we know, the only thing that’s been holding back those $1 Sacagawea coins from really taking off all of these years could just be an absence of the bat symbol carved into the opposite side – people love The Batman!!!

I guess the more I ponder the possibilities, even though nobody actually uses pennies anymore, maybe this really is a change that’s long overdue because with any luck, it could very well be the gateway to a new era when American money is actually fun again!  Have you seen Canadian money?!  It’s purple and orange and blue and pink – it looks like it came right out of a Monopoly set, and I love Monopoly!  But do you know who – if anybody – could kick that old Monopoly man’s ass, even if he brought that little, silver dog of his along for help???


especially if he got cornered by the hotels along Pacific Avenue for his third turn in a row…

That’s the kind of man who deserves to be immortalized on our pocket change!