Madelyn, I know you probably can’t read this just yet, on account of having literally just been born three days ago and all, but for the record I just want to go ahead and throw this out there now – I want to be your Cool Uncle Scott.

For the rest of you all playing along at home, maybe I should take a quick step back a bit…

So my little sister just had a baby earlier this week!  Tuesday morning, in fact – at 7:42am, right around the time when you were probably sitting down to a nice toasted bagel and maybe some fresh fruit for breakfast, my sister was at the hospital where her doctors were busy extracting the baby from … well, wherever it is that babies come from! I mean, I assume that it had to be in there somewhere – I didn’t want to say anything at the time, but I saw the photos and she was huge there at the end, so logistically speaking I’m sure that belly of hers contained plenty of little nooks and crannies that were perfectly suited for the purpose of stowing away a small child until just the right time to announce her birth to the world!

That said, what’s important now isn’t so much figuring out how she got here and whether or not, in fact, some type of stork or other abnormally tall bird was involved, but more so I want to focus my efforts simply on spoiling this adorable, little newborn baby as much as humanly possible. Because let’s face it – that’s really what being the cool uncle is all about and when push comes to shove, you’ve got to jump on these things while they’re hot and get in on the ground floor if you’re really serious about being the bee’s knees in this baby’s eyes once she gets around to actually keeping them open on a regular basis…

Just how committed am I to earning this cool position, third only to the two people who were cool enough to fill out all of those stork order forms in triplicate to bring her into this world in the first place?!

Folks, I’ve been cooking up ideas ever since this kid first even started splashing around the womb…

• If it’s plastic food for her Fisher Price kitchen set that she desires, I’ll be the first one at the door with a line of shopping carts as long as the eye can see.
• If she wants to go to Disney World, I’ll be happy to ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant with her all day long until she’s blue in the face or they kick us out for having too much fun.
• If she’s not feeling well after dinner and is starting to look like she’s going to blow chunks all over that adorable, little outfit that I picked out especially for her…

…well, then it’s time for her to go back to Mommy and Daddy for a while, but later on when she’s feeling better and wants to play some video games – maybe that one with the courageous plumber who’s trying to rescue the princess from that fire-breathing bad guy who’s got walking mushrooms and turtles for friends – I’m your uncle!

So anyways, it’s just something to think about, Madelyn – you know, in between all of the eating and burping and sleeping that you’ll be doing in the upcoming weeks as a new baby fresh off the lot.  And although I’m not trying to pressure you into making a decision right this minute or anything, Christmas is only a few short months away and that can be a very fruitful time of year for special, little girls, if you know what I’m saying…

Rainbows and butterflies and whatever else it is that little girls like – prepare to get spoiled like you’ve never been spoiled before, kid, because that’s what cool uncles do!