I should’ve known better than to go outside this time of year!

But no, no – I had to be a hero, taking it upon myself to walk our hyperactive puppy around this quaint, suburban swampland of ours in the wee nighttime hours, completely oblivious to the fact that it’s during these times in the dark of night amidst a torrent of sweat and sore muscles that the bugs, they prey upon the weak and the out of shape.  Flying swift like miniature porcupines out for blood, they strike from all angles in a coordinated attack the likes of which this humble pincushion has never before seen, ultimately leaving behind a broken and very itchy shell of a man who’s now no doubt got a lot of calamine lotion to look forward to in his immediate future…

Here I thought I was safe walking around after dark, when that harmful sun of ours is off pestering the other side of the world and our temperatures here in Florida more closely resemble those of a simmering slow cooker as opposed to the blazing inferno that they tend to be during the day!  Besides, in theory exercise is always a good thing, both to try and burn off some excess energy for a wild and crazy beagle and of course, also to burn off a little excess me for, well, me, but little did I know that with every step towards a skinnier Scott and a calmer Cleo that we took, it also drove us forever deeper into the mosquitoes’ nest where they would proceed to eat us alive with few regrets, except maybe that they didn’t each have multiple mouths with which they could’ve bitten us all the more!

Mind you, I don’t really know if dogs actually get mosquito bites or not, but just in case, I think it’s safe to say that I managed to get enough for the both of us … along with all of her brothers and sisters, as well as any random dogs that she’s “greeted” during her extensive puppy journeys throughout life thus far…

Something that would’ve been wonderful information to know ahead of time ­- apparently nighttime is actually feeding time for mosquitoes, so that was strike one.  We walk right past a swamp, and really, Florida itself is basically just a giant swamp with strategically placed beaches and theme parks anyways, so our location of choice was strike number two.  Oh yeah, and I guess that sweat – you know, like the kind that a guy like myself tends to generate buckets of when he’s out walking for miles on end – sweat is pretty much the most potent of aphrodisiacs to these stinging, little sons of bitches, so you might say that being generally drenched in mosquito love bait ended up being strike 3, and that, as they say, was the last mistake that we would have a chance to make!

Back when I lived up in the vast forested woodlands of Northern Michigan, I used to think that the mosquitoes up there were pretty bad, on account of having to be concerned about hitting them with your car and whatnot, but down south it’s a completely different story – instead of them being the size of BMWs and packing enough punch to eat through both your skin and the insurance deductible on your car in a single meal, in Florida they’re super tiny and as a result there are literally bajillions of them, hurtling their bloodthirsty brethren at unsuspecting victims like a handful of darts all lobbed haphazardly at the target in one fell swoop!

And don’t even think about those so-called “bug repellents” – as far as I can tell, all that stuff does is makes ‘em angry, and the only thing worse than a mosquito in general is one that for whatever reason happens to be angry with you…

Like walking through a wall of pain, their retribution was swift and merciless, sucking what seemed to be every last drop from my feeble veins like it was the only thing that stood between the lives of all generations of mosquitoes present and future.  Swatting was futile, and at best also very messy when I might happen to catch one of my attackers just after filling up, but before actually flying away!

I laugh, partially because of the rewarding sound that they make as they go splat, but mostly because the sudden anemia makes just about anything seem funny right now…