So many things to do when you move into a new house!  Unpacking all of your worldly belongings until your new home becomes just as cluttered as your last, learning the schedules for the garbage and recycling guys so that you don’t find yourself constantly hauling stuff back and forth from the curb for the third night in a row, building that first name relationship that every man should have with his local pizzeria.  And of course, how could we ever forget … meeting the neighbors?!

Granted, in this day and age apparently it isn’t as easy as just waiting by the door for them to come welcoming you into the neighborhood with a friendly face and a pie that amazingly wasn’t purchased at the grocery store for $5.99 on clearance!  Nowadays all of those other people are just as busy as you are and snagging them for the obligatory 5-minute meet and greet has definitely proven to be a challenge for me recently with my own household relocation.  Much like stalking a heard of wildebeest across the vast Serengeti plains of Africa, I’ve found that for now it’s easier if I just observe my neighbors from afar, with the intent of moving in for a more formal hello at a later date.

Today I’d like to share with you a few of my notes on the neighbors I’ve seen thus far …

The Forgetful, Old Lady with Her Tiny, Tiny Dog
She introduces us to her little dog, Tobey, at least twice a week, and though I’ve told her repeatedly that we ourselves have a loveable puppy, too, something tells me that with her forgetful shrug, she’s lucky to find her way back to her own house when they’ve finished slowly circling the block…

The Guy Who Just States Whatever I’m Doing When I’m Doing It
Sprawled out in his driveway when I see him, always eager to point out the obvious – “Just out walkin’ the dog tonight…” or perhaps “Gettin’ a little exercise tonight, I see…”  I like to think that nothing I could do in passing would phase his quaint, though technically accurate observations:

  • “Givin’ your pet rhinoceros a little walk today…”
  • “Just out jugglin’ some fire tonight, man – that’s cool…”
  • “Gettin’ abducted by aliens – I guess I’ll see you later then, buddy…”

The Guy Who Leaves, Like, a Billion Signs Out For People to Stay Off His Lawn
Whenever I’m out walking my dog, we totally walk on it anyways.

The One Song AC/DC Guy
Maybe he owns a jukebox and is just short on change, or perhaps his straight-laced wife permits him but one rock ‘n roll tune from his younger years each evening – all I know is that one minute those four walls be a rockin’, and the next she’s as quiet as a baby … and that just seems a little bizarre to me!

The Guy Who I Can Only See Half of His Face When He Provides Me with Wisdom From Over the Fence
No, wait – that’s not my neighborhood, but I suppose if I could pick one TV neighbor from my childhood days to live next door to, being able to walk out back every now and then for some words of wisdom from my good, old friend Wilson of Home Improvement fame might help to keep me out of trouble!

Second choice – Cody from Step by Step would be pretty awesome, too, though I think the HOA might frown on his van being permanently parked in my driveway…

The Guy Who Takes All Week to Bring His Empty Garbage Cans Back In
What a jerk!

…unless he’s just been really busy working all sorts of crazy hours, not getting home until after the kids are already in bed, and then his wife wants to pick a fight with him about just wanting to watch The Tonight Show instead of going through a whole dissertation about how his crappy day was just the same as it is every day – then maybe we give him a pass this week…

The People Who Always Have Roughly 18 Billion Cars in Their Driveway
Either they just really, really like entertaining or they’re running a car dealership out of their driveway.

The question is, do I care more about getting invited to their next Friday night party or seeing if they can hook me up with a sweet deal on a late model Chevy Impala???

The People Who Are Perpetually Outside Talking
Maybe the locked themselves out of the house years ago and have just never gotten around to calling a locksmith, or maybe through a tricky real estate loophole they actually only purchased the driveway itself and not the rest of the home!

Either way, would it kill them to pipe the hell down between the hours of midnight and 9am?!?!?!

Will the author one day come to meet these exotic creatures in person, possibly inviting them over for a cup of tea and perhaps an AC/DC medley out of sheer pity???  Stay tuned to National Suburbanite Explorer to find out!