Cockroaches are disgusting.

I don’t really think that I’m crossing any boundaries making a proclamation like that, and if I am, by all means I’ll be more than happy to respond personally to any hate mail that I might receive from the National Association for Cockroach Preservation as a result of the negative things that I’m about to say about cockroaches here on this otherwise lovely Friday morning.

The thing is, cockroaches are DISGUSTING!!!!!

They’re vile, repulsive creatures … scraping the bottom of the barrel of the insect kingdom, which is fitting because consequently, apparently they just love hanging out down there! Or inside of cupboards, or underneath old boxes out in the garage – pretty much anywhere that gives them the opportunity to spring out of the darkness and scare the ever-loving piss out of you when you were just trying to hurry up and refill your dog’s food bowl during the commercial break … that’s the life of a cockroach for you.

And of course, finding but a single cockroach scurrying around one’s home is more than enough to make anyone feel like the absolute worst homeowner on the planet. I mean, what kind of a twisted monster allows that sort of cretin free reign around the same four walls that are supposed to provide safety and protection to his wife and child?! How could a man even sleep knowing that just out of sight … perhaps making themselves at home in a dark and out of the way place like a guy’s garage … there could be one, or two, or a couple dozen, or even a couple MILLION cockroaches lurking and plotting…

…plotting new ways to scare the crap out of you when you least expect it…

…like perhaps, let’s just say, by taking up residence in said man’s dog food reserves, showing themselves oh so subtly when he’s at his most vulnerable as the food floweth from one receptacle to another, only moments before his beloved Shark Tank was set to return from commercial!

To anyone who’s ever spent twenty minutes scavenging dog food from across a messy garage as cockroaches peek out from random hiding places like the disgusting jerks that they are, I can now say that I sympathize with your ranks because it is a thankless job, even from the dog’s perspective who promptly gave me the look of, “I ain’t picking it up – there were COCKROACHES in it!” before lazily returning back to the couch to watch TV alone in my absence. Mind you, it could also probably serve as a subtle hint that maybe it’s time for me to actually clean my garage so as to not allow so many nooks and crannies for both dog food and cockroaches to hide, but feel free to check back with me in a couple of months to see how that whole effort is really coming along!

If there’s a takeaway to learn from this week’s column, it’s simply put that cockroaches are disgusting, and that apparently they also like dog food.

They also enjoy long walks on the beach and scaring the bejesus out of me, and for the latter they will always be my sworn enemies of the insect kingdom…