— ACT 1 : MORNING TIME —
A quiet, serene house is abruptly awoken by the sound of two tiny banshees ready to feast…
BABIES: “WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
DAD: “Holy macaroni – what was that?!”
MOM: “It begins again.”
DAD: “Well have fun with that – I’m going back to bed…”
* MOM silently considers the consequences of snuffing DAD out with his own pillow before reluctantly crawling out of bed to provide sustenance to their demanding brood *
— ACT 4 : POOP —
MOM enacts her revenge on DAD for getting to sleep in…
MOM: “This one is all yours, honey – I’m going to go take a shower.”
DAD: “Sure, no problem. How bad could it be?”
* roughly 17 seconds later *
DAD: “Oh, dear god.”
DAD: “What did you feed this thing???”
DAD: “Is there somebody I should call?! This is absolutely horrifying!”
* MOM sings to herself in the shower to drown out DAD’s complaining. *
BABY: “Tee hee hee…”
* DAD loses a bit of himself that he will never get back as he proceeds to go through 12 packs of baby wipes to clean up the abomination that his little darling has committed in his diaper *
— ACT 5 : POOP, REDUX —
* DAD realizes that, in fact, they have multiple children and repeats the process of shoveling poop out of his infant’s butt crack with his baby wipe-clad hand while remembering a life where this act was never even a consideration *
— ACT 8 : EASILY AMUSED —
Twin baby boys are playing playfully with their colorful and exceedingly musical play toys while Elmo sings about playfulness in the background…
MOM: “Isn’t parenting just the best thing ever?”
DAD: “I suppose they are pretty cute…”
DAD: “Did he just poop again?”
MOM: “He totally just pooped again.”
MOM: “This one is all yours, honey – I’m going to go take another shower…”
— ACT 9 : TGIN – THANK GOD IT’S NAPTIME —
DAD: “Somebody’s looking pretty tired, so let’s get these kids to bed so that we can all take a nap!”
MOM: “You already slept until eleven o’clock…”
DAD: “I’ve got this, babe! Just go and lay down, and I’ll take care of naptime.”
* 25 minutes later *
MOM: “Do you want me to come help?”
DAD: “No – I’ve got this…”
* 35 minutes later *
MOM, talking through the baby monitor: “He just needs his musical hippo.”
DAD: “Who said that?!”
MOM: “Do you want me to come help?”
DAD: “No … I’ve got this?”
DAD: “I think the musical hippo is out of batteries…”
DAD: “Hello???”
MOM: “So put new batteries in it…”
* 10 minutes later *
DAD: “Where are the batteries???”
MOM: “…drawer in the kitchen…”
DAD: “Ok, so I found the batteries.”
DAD: “Why do they make you need a screwdriver for these stupid battery doors?!”
MOM: “Do you want me to come help?”
* 20 minutes later *
MOM: “…I can hear you snoring through the baby monitor…”
— ACT 14 : AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL —
MOM arrives with the toddler after picking him up from preschool and it’s clear that although he didn’t sleep much at school, he has no intention of doing so now…
TODDLER: “Daddy!!!”
DAD: “He’s so cute.”
* 17 seconds later – TODDLER dumps three buckets of toys out across the previously clean living room floor *
DAD: “WTF?”
MOM: “You were saying…”
* 35 seconds later – TODDLER dumps a full cup of chocolate milk into the carpet *
* simultaneously, BABY #1 bursts into tears and BABY #2’s bottom bursts into explosive diarrhea, both for no apparent reason *
MOM and DAD, in unison: “WTF?!?!?!”
— ACT 19 : DINNERTIME —
TODDLER: “I want cookies.”
MOM: “No, you have to eat your dinner first.”
DAD, discretely closing the cookie jar: “Yeah, ummm, you’ve got to eat your dinner first…”
BABIES: “WHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
DAD: “What should we do? You remember what happened the last time we fed them.”
MOM: “We can’t just not feed our children because you’re afraid of a few poopy diapers…”
* 35 minutes later *
DAD: “Are you kidding me?! Nobody takes this many showers in a single day!!!”
— ACT 23 : BATHTIME —
This section has been omitted due to excessive adult language with regards to keeping bath water inside of the bathtub…
— ACT 26 : ALMOST THERE… —
MOM: “So which do you want – the babies or the toddler?”
DAD: “I’ll take the babies. No, the toddler. Rock, paper, scissors?”
* 45 minutes, three storybooks, two songs, and 10 minutes of excuses later *
DAD: “I think I finally got mine to bed.”
MOM: “Me too.”
* both parents pause and cringe, waiting for it *
DAD: “I think…”
MOM and DAD, in unison: “…we’re free.”
— ACT 27 : FIN —
MOM and DAD sit silently collapsed on the couch, taking turns eating raw cookie dough out of a large, plastic tub with a baby spoon while Single and Loving It! plays on the TV…
DAD: “You know, I guess today wasn’t so bad.”
MOM: “Tomorrow the babies have a doctor’s appointment. And you need to leave work early to pick up the toddler from school…”
DAD: “But I have a meeting in the afternoon.”
* MOM shrugs *
DAD: “You know, I don’t think that I ever actually took a shower today?”
MOM: “Really? That’s gross.”