Right now I have to hide the toilet paper in my house because if my four year-old finds it, he’ll unroll the entire roll throughout the house like a red carpet.

When I ask him to help clean it up, he proceeds to tear every single sheet into tiny pieces…

…and then deposit them all in the toilet, until it contains a wad of toilet paper roughly the size of a basketball.

One of my sons immensely enjoys playing in the dog’s food dishes. The dog? Not so much…

Anything within reach on the edge of the kitchen counter is fair game to a toddler – cookies, candy, the can opener that in no way will work on the dog, but they’re still going to try it anyways … anything.

The trick to an efficient diaper change is to avoid the child flailing and pumping their legs like a cyclist while you’re trying to take the dirty diaper off, and then sprinting out of the room before you’ve had a chance to replace it with a clean one.

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve watched the movie Dumbo, it wouldn’t matter because my kids would still insist on watching Dumbo again even if I brought home a personalized episode of Sesame Street created by Elmo and Big Bird themselves.

Slathering yourself with apples & cinnamon oatmeal is not the same as getting dressed in the morning.

There are few kid problems that cannot be solved with chocolate ice cream. Except perhaps getting chocolate ice cream out of the sofa.

My kids save me at least $29.95/month on a security system simply by leaving their Legos scattered all over the floor.

It is possible to color on the living room carpet with sidewalk chalk!

To a mischievous toddler, a package of baby wipes is an irresistible game of pull the colored scarves out of the clown’s pocket as fast as you can.

It takes roughly 20 seconds for an unattended toddler to empty a gallon of water from the water cooler onto the kitchen floor.

If you don’t clean off a kid’s sticky hands, you can look forward to cleaning off everything else soon enough!

I would love to put all of our dirty clothes in laundry baskets to keep them off the floors, but unfortunately they’re all being used for rocket ships and submarines right now.

The only thing worse than hearing a baby crying from across the house while you’re in the bathroom is having a toddler show up to announce over and over again, “The baby’s crying! The baby’s crying!”

When you come across food that not only the kids won’t eat, but the dog also won’t touch, you have to question the FDA’s quality guidelines with regardless to food made for toddlers.

The resale value on my home right now would be defined simply as LAUGHABLE … unless the buyer happens to be a four year-old looking for a house with crayon and marker drawings on every possible surface.

No, it wouldn’t be that crazy to just leave the kids in their clothes when you toss them into the bubble bath and kill two birds with one stone.

Child Safety Locks would be better marketed as Parent Sanity Locks.

“Keep the Water in the Bathtub” could be the name of my parenting memoir.