I have three toddlers … as particularly evidenced by my lack of sleep, the general state of my house, and the perpetual emptiness of my bank account.

I also find myself saying a lot of things that I never in a million years would’ve imagined myself saying before I had kids!

For your own amusement, enjoyment, and perhaps even a small hint of pity, here are some of those sayings…

  • “It’s like you’re not even aiming for the holes.” – in witnessing one child trying to put his shirt on as we’re rushing to get out the door
  • “Please don’t poop on your Dad’s neck…” – when carrying a child on one’s shoulders, I don’t recommend doing it when they’ve been having diarrhea all weekend
  • “How are you wearing your brother’s pajamas???” – upon waking up to find one child dressed in the PJs another child went to bed in the night before … and said child is now naked
  • “Cars are not spoons!” – walking in on a toddler using a toy car in place of a spoon to eat his yogurt
  • “We don’t play in the toilet … or the dishwasher … or the dryer…” – seriously, why do I even bother buying toys?!
  • “Brother doesn’t want you to pick his nose for him…” – as the old saying goes, you can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends…
  • “Let your brother out of the dog’s cage…” – nuff said, or if you’re  my dog, ruff said
  • “COME ON! PUSH OUT THAT POO POO!!!!!” – sometimes parenting involves being a bathroom cheerleader for your constipated child
  • “Your nose looks like Rudolph’s, but with boogers.” – quite possibly the best seasonal parenting analogy I’ve ever made
  • “Santa’s not going to come if you don’t stop hitting the dog with your car…” – intervening on a hit and run scenario with a Little Tikes car and an unsuspecting pet
  • “That’s not how you eat a donut.” – in response to a child licking all of the frosting off of a donut and then handing it back to me with a straight face
  • “Why are there toy cars in the freezer?” – because they were Hot Wheels
  • “Why is there a full roll of toilet paper in the toilet??” – because he was told to throw it away
  • “Why is your brother covered in cooking spray???” – didn’t have a good answer for that one
  • “That was really good, but Cookie Monster is not a letter of the alphabet.” – thanks, Sesame Street
  • “How did you get poop in your hair?!” – in truth, it was pretty obvious how the diaper-less toddler got poop in his hair
  • “Please don’t play with my belly button.” – does anybody really enjoy their belly button being touched???
  • “No, you can’t have cookies for breakfast…” – I said while awkwardly turning to conceal the cookie I was eating for breakfast.
  • “Look at that elephant’s poop – it’s HUUUUUUGE!!!” – while I could imagine saying this before having kids, it was much more rewarding sharing this moment at the zoo with one of my own
  • “The Baby Shark song? How’s that one go again???” – just kidding