It may be back to school time, but if you’re anything like me, you’ve got questions – about the CVS receipt-length list of supplies we’re supposed to send in, about the extra safety measures they’re doing to help protect our kids from COVID-19, and even about if they ever took that advice of mine for selling cotton candy-flavored milk in the cafeteria…
Alas, I wish that I could say that I actually have answers that I can share with you, but maybe if we barrage them with enough nonsense like these quandries they’ll have to start responding – at least to a few of the more reasonable ones!
Why don’t teachers include a pack mule on the list of school supplies featuring 300 sets of assorted markers and binders and various kinds of glue that they need so that at least I’ll have somebody to help me carry it all?
If we’re still having trouble finding disinfectant wipes, would they like us to instead maybe send a few extra packages of glue sticks so teachers can just glue all of the kids to their seats so that they don’t touch anything?
Why do my kids run faster than lightning around my house, but it’s like dragging a slug through a pile of salt trying to walk them to class each morning?
Also, who eats lunch at 10:20 in the morning??? Do these people realize that during summer break I wasn’t even awake at 10:20 in the morning?!
And on the topic of lunch, what is it that my kids actually eat?! All summer long I gave them two choices, I cooked one, and they ate it! Nowadays I send half a dozen options in their lunchboxes and somehow get back even more options than I sent for them in the first place!
If a four year-old says that they washed their hands thirty-seven times and you didn’t see it firsthand, did it actually happen?
How is it that these kids are learning math terms that I myself don’t understand in the first week OF FIRST GRADE?!?!?!
Regarding remote learning, who is it that thought kids would have a better attention span on Zoom calls than most adults do???
Can COVID-19 be passed through boogers?
Do the cafeterias still serve that incredible hexagon-shaped Mexican pizza and if so, what would it take for my kid to sneak a slice home for me?
If 12 kids in Classroom A test positive for COVID-19 and they share their lunches with 40 kids from Classrooms B, C, and D, how many days into the school year will we get before I’m having to teach elementary school from my kitchen table again?
This year my son is really excited about taking Spanish in the first grade, which is great, but why not an elective for Putting Your Dirty Clothes in the Hamper or Cleaning Up Your Room So That It Doesn’t Look Like a Complete and Total Pig Sty?
Are schools today really still dependent on #2 pencils or have they moved up to, say, #33s by now?
How many candy bars and/or rolls of wrapping paper do I have to buy for the music class to teach my kids any other song imaginable besides Baby Shark???
And last but certainly not least, how many bottles of wine a week should I slip into my kid’s backpack for their teacher to express my profound gratitude for not only enduring this profession during such challenging times, but also giving me back a handful of hours each day so that I can worry about continuing to survive this pandemic in peace and quiet?!