Warning! You must be at least 18 years old to read the following article. By continuing, you are confirming that: (a) you are of legal age in your city, state, country, territory, or universe to view adult material; (b) you really don’t have morals of any size, shape or form; (c) you are sure that the kids are asleep. If all of the above are correct, proceed and prepare to enjoy the plentiful pleasures that pornography presents!
Don’t deny it. We all know that it’s out there, lurking in the dark corners of the Internet, just waiting for one of us to stumble across it “by mistake.” We’ve all experienced it in all of it’s glory at one time, whether late after work one Thursday evening, that weekend when the wife was out of town, or at the last family reunion. Pornographic websites are more prominent on the Internet now than Mexicans along the Miami coastline on a warm, cloudy Friday night. Unfortunately, like always, our friends from ASININE (Another Sadly Ignorant Nation Insisting on No Enjoyment) have been convinced that there’s way too much pornography available on the Internet and that “this filth is corrupting our nation’s future.” Of course, this same group thinks that O.J. really did do it and that we’d all be better people by watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” every New Year’s instead of going out and getting smashed like the rest of the world, so who would expect anything fun from them anyways?
Whenever this topic comes up in my conversations (daily), I usually find myself talking with someone who despises it with a passion, and would like to see all those involved with its production burn in a fiery pit in hell. After many hours of insane laughter, I always ask this one simple question: How is pornography harmful? I can’t remember the last time someone was thrown off of a bus by a pornographic image, and surely you never hear of these magazines sneaking into houses in the middle of the night in search of silverware and fine jewelry, so what is it that is so bad about porn?
“It’s a bad influence on our children,” is a common reply. True, it is also a very anal reply (no pun intended), but it is the one we tend to hear the most. Apparently these children, yes, the same ones that are learning how to make atomic bombs and exchanging term papers over the internet, aren’t ready to see pictures depicting human reproduction. These parents don’t mind that their children have access to home-made grenade plans, or even worse, how to become a multimillionaire through bulk mailing schemes, but the issue of pornography comes up and boy, do the potatoes start to fly!
There’s a hidden agenda behind why the majority of parents hate pornography, which I’d be happy to share with you all right now. (It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do…) To make a long story short, parents hate pornography because they can’t have it themselves. Now, I’m not referring to the man whom, upon marriage, is forced to look on in total despair as his wife torches his famous collection of Playboys that dated back to 1952 and even included the issues that only a subscriber could get (weren’t those great incentives to sign up, even years in advance?). I’m talking about your average George or Henrietta Smith, who enjoys horses, racquet-ball, and looking at various pornographic websites during his or her free time. Now, as the internet is continually becoming more and more popular, web surfers of all variants are noticing a rapid increase of one thing: lame websites. For every cool website you find, chances are you had to wade through dozens of crappy ones to find it. This same rule of thumb applies, unfortunately, to the pornographic world as well. Many people in search of a little enjoyment often quickly find themselves frustrated in the practice, up to the point where they lose all hope and end up staring for hours at the weather channel and late night infomercials, disappointed and depressed. In the electronic community that brought us the Amazing Lobster Cam and Chat with a Real, Live Mexican in Real-Time, this simply can’t happen.
Fortunately, I’ve devised a simple plan to end this ongoing frustration and put quality pornography back into the household, where it belongs! It’s not a very difficult scheme to grasp; hell, even Al Gore might be able to understand it (and would probably support it, seeing as he did invent the internet and all…). It goes something like this:
Stop the sale of pornography – Make it free.
Kind of catchy, isn’t it? For those of you going, “Eh?” right now, let me explain. The ordinary, everyday, working middleclass man doesn’t have oodles of money lying around to pour lavishly into his pornographic desires. Any excess money he has gets spent on beanie babies and other “collectable” stuffed animals for his children that will make no other contribution to society than to provide a multicolored place for dust to freely gather. By making the illustrious gem that is pornography free of charge, we have lifted one of the many burdens from this man’s tiresome back. Everyone knows that a pornographically enriched man is a happy man!
By now I’m sure many of you have raised eyebrows towards my solution to such a “tragic” problem; if e-mail continues to serve it’s purpose, I should be getting those death threats any time now. I suppose if you’re opposed to the ending of all world wars, a harmonic unity among all members of the human race, and eternal peace and happiness on this beautiful planet Earth, then you should just go ahead and continue to sell pornography at ludicrous prices, which only the rich and snobbish can afford. At least that way pornography won’t be out there corrupting our nation’s future. Of course, we’ll all be hating and killing each other, but hey, it happens. Who knows? I could be wrong, but what if I’m right…