If there was ever a place for general idiocy to reign over the masses, the office would without a doubt take the top position above all others! Although it might seem to the average blue-collar worker that the typical, nine-to-five office job should be a million times easier than, say shoveling coal or laying railroad ties all day long, anyone who actually spends fifty hours a week in cubicle hell on a regular basis knows all about the stress that can come from irate phone calls, broken copy machines, and of course, the boss himself…

Granted, some of these things are just part of the job and will likely never change, so the best that we can do in the meantime is do our best to pick some fun and hope that a few people actually realize just how crazy the whole system really is! Quite possibly the best rendition of this erratic machine was seen in the classic Office Space by the infamous Mike Judge a few years ago, so for everyone who was involved in giving us one of the best comedies of this generation, this one’s for you!

• There are always those one or two, or twenty-some, people who absolutely refuse to answer their extensions when they ring and only return voice-mails from people who they like – these people are wieners and really do deserve it when the boss suddenly catches them stealing office supplies, such as computer equipment and his favorite trophy…
• …and speaking of those who feel the need to fill their own homes with as many office supplies as they can slip by security in an attempt to damn the man, please just try to keep in mind that some of us actually do need pens for our everyday jobs!
• Are you one of those people who are determined to get every single second of time off coming to you in the form of breaks and lunch periods, yet nonetheless don’t really have anyplace else to go so you sit at your desk and watch me work as you eat? If so, could you please stop? It’s not that I don’t respect your right to a delicious lunch on your own time, but you’re kinda startin’ to creep me out…
• Note to the Intern(s) Currently Nailing My Supervisor: Keep up the good work! When he’s happy, we’re all happy!!!
• Tired of being fed-up about your co-workers borrowing your stapler and not returning it all the time? Try leaving a pleasant note expressing your feelings near your stapler where they’re sure to find it. If this still doesn’t work, try stapling said note to the offender’s forehead…
• You know those annoying, junk faxes everybody gets every single day regarding stock recommendations, weight loss programs, and cheap vacation prices? If you happen to be the sleaze-ball who sends these things, how’s about taking a hint and giving it a rest?! Please???
• The very best phone pranks are those that kill at least two birds with one stone. Keep this in mind as you entice your victims, as not only do you score big for the meticulous acting display with your role as a Mexican technical support rep. who’s completely stoned out of his gourd, but you even score bonus points when they call back to complain and your supervisor spends the next hour and a half trying to find “Alfonzo Gobloyaselv…”
• Note to the Office Girls Who Are Always Chatting on the Phone: Unless your sister is buying thousands of dollars worth of our products every month, you need to spend a little bit more of your time talking to people who actually do! Yeah, that ringing noise? Those are what we call customers – you’ll just have to wait until lunchtime to find out what shade of blond she’s dyed her hair to this time…
• Although long, grueling hours and little exposure to the outside world can often lead to romantic encounters among co-workers, it is of the utmost importance that you remember just one general rule – dating bad, casual sex good!
• If the smokers all get to take cigarette breaks whenever they’d like, how’s about giving us healthy folks some time to enjoy an addiction or two of our own? I don’t know about you, but I know that I always feel more productive after a good porn break!
• There are certain laws of the universe that simply cannot be argued with. For example, the copy machine will always perform flawlessly when used to duplicate personal documents from home, or even the unsightly image of one’s ass, yet it will never cease to jam up when you need to use it for something that’s actually work-related.
• The same theory can also be applied to the snack machines in the break room. I know whenever I have a craving for something as simple as a bag of Skittles, I always find the machine mysteriously empty of anything resembling Skittles upon my approach. Adding to my dismay, the guy at the table on the other side of the room sits quietly off on his own, nonchalantly enjoying a delicious bag of Skittles…
• If you’re answering the phone at work, at least try to make an attempt to identify yourself when you pick up. Even though I don’t boast telepathic powers, I do like to know whom I’m talking to, and I’m guessing that others might, too!
• Note to the Three Fat Chicks in Accounting: Casual Dress Friday is not slang for Wear Your Most Hideously Revealing Spandex Day, and besides, who do you think you’re really kidding, anyways? Go to Wal-Mart on your next day off and find something that both fits comfortably, yet doesn’t make us all want to puke – please!
• And finally, when photocopying your ass during normal business hours, please be courteous to the person in line behind you and wipe down the glass after you’re done…