I love a good fight just as much as the next guy, but what’s really kept me entertained these days has been watching the various television networks go at it.  For those of you that have been living in a cave this season, I’ll take this opportunity to fill you in on all the excitement that you’ve missed this season…

Reality TV seems to be the name of the game right now, which is interesting because the Nielsen ratings have officially proven that some 16 million people would rather watch people go about their business in front of a camera for an hour a week than actually live their own lives. Granted, the lives of these people are most likely very boring and, knowing this, they’re going elsewhere for their entertainment, and I say that this is ok!  That’s one less wacko out on the streets trying to make his own news by riding a pogo stick through the local mall wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and a smile.  And Tom Green, if you’re reading this, a small cut of the profits would be nice…

But I’ll admit it: I, too, have been bitten by the bug and have thus devoted one hour of my week to the latest craze.  My choice?  It was relatively easy for me to make the decision to go with Survivor 2, partially because it began directly after the Super Bowl and I had little choice but to watch, and partially because, after all of the hoopla last year over the original, I just had to see what it was all about.  Well, now I’m stuck and I find myself glued to the television set every Thursday night, praying that Elizabeth doesn’t get voted off.  (if you don’t follow the show, Elizabeth is the only attractive one left on the show and, although she doesn’t stand a snowflake’s chance in hell, I’d like to see her win, and since I doubt that we’ll see this one in Playboy, that’s the second best thing I can hope for!)

Actually, I like Survivor 2.  For the most part, it’s been an entertaining show.  Granted, there have been some lame episodes, particularly the ‘sliding puzzle,’ but it’s kept me tuning in week after week.  I’ll tell ya, the night Jerri got voted off was damn near the happiest night of my life!  Sad, isn’t it?

But this article isn’t about Survivor.  It’s about the latest “reality tv” program, brought to us by NBC.  As we all know, Who Wants to be a Millionaire? has held its title as the number 1 game show in North America for almost a year now, having aired several hundred episodes and making Regis Filbin one of the happiest richest game show hosts of all time.  Monday night NBC attempted to de-throne Millionaire with a new program which apparently was a huge success in the U.K..  The name of this show is Weakest Link

If you tuned in for this hideous attempt at prime time entertainment, you were most likely disgusted, if not at least frightened, by the relentless jeering of host Anne Robinson.  Remember while watching this program that it originated in England, which explains the spiteful ‘personality’ displayed by Robinson as she brings former and present game show hosts to shame.  I’m sure Regis is laughing in his gigantic pool of money as we speak.

Witnessing this program, I noticed that it is basically a cheesy attempt by NBC to jump ahead in the ratings by combining every other successful program that’s dominating them right now.  Millionaire influences are painfully obvious, making us wonder if they’re simply renting the studio from ABC when it’s not in use.  They could’ve at least came up with some original sound effects, but knowing the British, they’d probably just claim that they came up with them first anyways.  The voting system after each round lacks only a lightning storm to be an exact copy of Survivor, except for the fact that people continue to watch Survivor.  After a player is voted off, we’re treated to a Real World-ish intimate interview with the contestant who was just voted off, during which he or she is given a moment to bad mouth the other players and tell us why he should’ve won.  This doesn’t happen after Jeopardy, does it?

I never thought I’d run across a television host as scornful as Judge Judy, but it has finally happened.  I must say, though, that at least Judge Judy makes a point once in a while!  Throw in a splash of Atilla the Hun and the haughtiness of the Queen of England and, boom, you’ve got the host of NBC’s latest flub.  So much for being friendly…

However, there is still hope!  I think that the general concept behind Weakest Link has potential; it just needs a little work to make it watchable.  For starters, lose the bitchy host and get someone who can actually deal out a decent rant once in a while without completely burning all the bridges.  My recommendation: Dennis Miller, that is if he’s not busy with that, ummm, thing he’s got going on with the NFL.  Honestly, his talents could be better used elsewhere.

After we hire a new host, let’s find us a set that hasn’t been used before.  Wheel of Fortune, The Price is Right and Family Feud, along with countless other game shows were successful because they were different from anything else that was on at the time!!! Consider any of the game shows that MTV tried to launch during the 80’s (a la Remote Control, etc…) and you’ll see what I’m talking about.  These all flopped big time because they were nothing more than copies of popular shows that we’d already seen, so stop cheating and come up with an idea on your own!  If you want to recreate a game show of the past, let’s bring back the Physical Challenge from everybody’s favorite program especially for kids, Family Double Dare!  I think I speak for everyone when I say that you can show us the kid frantically searching through ear wax for the flag, or Dad sliding into a bucket of slime a thousand times and it will always be entertaining.  Some things should never change…

Unfortunately, knowing how these corporations work nowadays, until it starts receiving ratings equivalent of those reserved for the XFL, Weakest Link is here to stay.  Luckily I’ve got something else to keep me busy.  I’ll be waiting to see Richard, Jerri & Jeff Probst appear on a special edition of Celebrity Jeopardy