I’ve got to admit, I’m not the biggest fan of grocery shopping.

And don’t get me wrong – it’s not only because I’m a guy…although I’m sure that deep down in some genetic underworld, that could very well have something to do with it! But moreover, though, I think the root of my problem…and mind you, also that of countless other hopeless wanderers…is that frankly, grocery stores are just too darn confusing these days!

I can tell – you’re probably a lot like myself, in that when you find yourself going to the store, you’ve already got a set list of exactly what you’re looking to pick-up…albeit maybe one or two random items that you want to browse for at best, but for the most part, it should be a pretty cut and dry trip. In, out, and you’re on with your day – it should be as easy as that warm, apple pie that you were eying back in aisle six last week…but we all know that it doesn’t exactly work this way, now does it?! It seems like it only takes a matter of minutes before we make “the switch”:

* typical good day scenario – sun shining, birds singing, etc, etc… *

Me: La de da – just going to the grocery store to pick up something for lunch. I’ll be home in ten minutes, tops!

* ten minutes (tops) later *

Me: Has anybody seen the shaved beets??? I looked right next to the olive droppings like the girl said, but I couldn’t find them anywhere. Somebody hold me…

Of course, it gets much worse from there, but I’ve got to do what I can to help maintain a little dignity around here…at least during primetime! But I guess I don’t feel so bad throwing scenarios like that out there because I know all too well that other people are going through the very same thing … we actually pass each other as we’re wandering aimlessly down those aisles in search of the creamed asparagus, and yet we’re too hypnotized by our own masterful lists to risk interacting with another human being and make our endurance even longer than it already is. Show up at home three hours later with only a half-eaten bag of celery to show for it and be greeted by, “What took so long?! You didn’t stop to talk to somebody, did you?!”

I wish…

Some people laugh at me because I do make a list before I ever walk into the store – it may remind me of the fact that I’m certainly growing older, but really, one day I just got tired of going back there after realizing that I’d forgotten to pick up the chicken for the chicken casserole that I’d been planning for that evening! I think the trick to making a list, however, is to do your best to group things together by where you might think they could actually be located in the store – this does require a bit of memory and I would strongly suggest taking notes along the way if it will help (a la the Grail Diary from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). It may take several diagrams and charts to explain why pita bread (aka tortilla shells) is located with the Mexican foods instead of the bread, but the travel time alone should be worth the effort!

Once you’re inside, however, its best just to stay calm, collect your thoughts, and slowly and cautiously make your way through the store – set a goal to complete your entire list in a single pass, even if it seems damn near impossible when the wife gave you a three page list! And on that particular note, I say don’t be at all afraid to pull off to the side, whip out that old cell phone, and call in for clarification when you don’t know exactly what she’s looking for! I used to wander the aisles for days at a time in search of evaporated milk (“…if it’s evaporated, then what’s left to put in the can?!”), but eventually I decided that the grocery store simply is no place to enforce the “real men don’t ask for directions rule,” and although she might get a good chuckle out of it, anything that saves me from pacing up and down the dairy aisle in search of something that isn’t even there in the first place is one to be taken for the team in my book…

I know that, like most of us, I’ve still got a long ways to go when it comes to cruising the grocery store without pulling out my own hair, and I’ll be the very first to volunteer for a companion on the trip if its offered up, simply because she’ll ultimately always know a faster way to the ice cream sandwiches than I! But for those lone trips that we all must undertake from time to time, I offer this meek advice – think small, take deep breaths, and most importantly, its situations like this where that story about leaving a trail of breadcrumbs isn’t such a bad idea after all…that is, if you can find your way to the bread aisle…