An American pastime, eh? Yeah, I can’t think of any better way to pass the time than by sitting in a hard plastic seat, watching a bunch of guys on the other end of the field intermittently playing catch for three or four hours at a time – woot! Well, maybe I’d have more fun, by, oh say, braiding my own nose hairs or sculpting zoo animals out of my belly-button lint, but really, who can party all the time anyways?! I know I’ve ragged on baseball a time or two before, but ya’ll just make it so damn easy, how can I resist?!
All in the same, I’ve made a decision this year to, in fact, make more of an effort to become part of the solution, if you will. I mean, it’s certainly not entirely the fault of the fans that they chose the most utterly boring game in the history of organized sporting events to idolize, so I feel that it’s my civic duty, or at least my God-given right as a humor columnist, to take blind stabs and under-the-belt shots at said mind-numbing sport in a feeble attempt to belittle their spirit and persuade them to horde over something interesting for a change, and if that still doesn’t work, to make my own witty and entertaining suggestions on how the sport could be made more exciting, or at least watchable, in the form of this very column that you just happen to be reading right now!
So what exactly would a guy like me add to the original backyard party game that’s a veritable hoot for everyone involved, or at least for the players, anyways? Well lucky for you, I made a list…
- Flaming Weasels – I’m honestly not even sure where exactly these little fur balls would fit into the scheme of things, but something just tells me that the zany antics that would naturally come from introducing torch-like rodents to any sporting event, much less one that hands out bats and protective headgear at the door, might be just what we’re looking for to add that extra bit of spice back into the game. Also, it would be an added bonus for the announcers, getting to insert the phrase “flaming weasels” into their repertoire! “It seems as if the flaming weasels have opted now to direct their carnage into the stands, finally allowing the two outfielders and first baseman to make a much-needed trip to the infirmary…you just don’t see ball games like this very often!”
- Attractive Women – Also referred to as “hot chicks,” I’ve found that the overall enjoyment factor of just about any conceivable activity known to man can be greatly enhanced by adding attractive women to the equation, so it makes only sense that we use their supernatural abilities to improve America’s national pastime as well. Mind you, in this particular scenario that I’ve concocted in my mind, however, these fine ladies won’t be taking the backseat…or at least not just yet! I propose that at least half of the players on the field at any given time should be amazingly gorgeous women (…not even all gussied up in spandex and lycra, even – there’s no reason we can’t be tasteful here and the standard baseball uniforms should still do just fine…) and believe it or not, that’s actually the end of my plan! Hot and sexy women running around on the field, keeping my interest glued on the game for hours on end, and if you really wanted to kick up those numbers, you could even make it a full-contact, tackle sport as well…
- Pizzazz, Razzle-Dazzle, or Even Just More “Umph!” – It’s time to take an example from the brilliance that only cartooning has to offer. This very same problem was addressed in the FOX animated hit Futurama, which also realized that a) baseball is, in fact, incredibly boring; and b) just about anything could be added to make things more interesting. Throw in a few dozen new rules, some extra balls, and a gigantic alien, and you’ve got Blernsball, the 31st century’s answer to what would’ve been an otherwise dead sport! So how can we benefit from these speculations into the future? Well, the answer should be fairly obvious, shouldn’t it?! More everything! Add players, rules, an anti-gravity zone or two, just kick things up a notch at whatever the cost, and they will come!
Of course, I’m sure I could go on and on about all of the wackiness that I’d like to see added to the sport, but I’m sure I’ve caused enough damage for one day or three! Either take my fantastic ideas and use them to your advantage, forging a new and breathtaking game that will intrigue and capture fans young and old for many years to come OR ignore my genius, as you have in the past, and continue to bore us on alternating Saturdays and Sundays throughout the summer with your current lineup of anticipated boredom, but know this – a time will eventually come when I’ll be all out of ideas once more and it will be time once again to ridicule the very concepts behind baseball and all that it has become, so heed this warning – I will not be ignored! I will not stop ranting until I am heard! I will not give up this fight until I can sit through a three-hour game without my ass going numb!
But until then, play ball…