I feel like I’m surrounded by gerbils, and not in a Richard Gere-type of way, either. Now don’t take that as an insult because I include myself in this particular scenario – in fact, maybe lemmings would be a more appropriate term. Yeah, I know…they were actually pretty cute in that game seven or eight years ago, but I should also point out that they were extraordinarily stupid, and I’m not talking like that blonde cheerleader in the back of your sophomore English class who always snapped her gum really loud and got confused when presented with words touting more than two syllables. I was thinking more along the lines of brainless, thoughtless, follow the leader off a cliff to a perilous death stupid…And how did I manage to come to this depressing conclusion?
I just spent the better part of an afternoon watching a marathon of The Anna Nicole Show.
The worst part of the whole thing is that no matter how many times you look at that sentence and think, “Wow, what a pathetic loser! Doesn’t he have anything better to do with his time?” you know damn well that you’ve done the same thing! You’ve gotta hand it to the higher-ups in the entertainment industry because no matter how much we hate them for giving us this crap to watch, they always manage to find just the right kinds of crap to keep us tuning in week after week…after week. I don’t think there’s a single person left in this country who hasn’t seen this particular program yet, and I’d actually be willing to bet money on the fact that the majority of us have seen nearly the entire season! Granted, we may not sit down week after week and watch religiously, but when you’re channel surfing one night and you just happen to flip by a scene of a 350-pound woman trying to learn how to drive in California, you’re hooked – stick a fork in it, baby, because you’re evening’s gone…
So why do we keep watching? Well, it’s certainly not because she’s hot anymore…amazing what $96 million worth of Twinkies will do to a girl’s figure, eh? It’s not really much of an intellectual show, that’s for sure – “I just want Anna to be happy with these beautiful, shag-carpet-covered, ugly as hell, ragingly gay, pink throw pillows…” No, I’m reminded of a time a few years ago when a certain shock-rock media personality was making his way up the ladder into stardom. Everyone hated Howard Stern, thought he was the filthiest thing on two legs, but we all tuned in day after day, hour after hour, and ratings shot through the roof, and why? Because we all wanted to see what he was going to do next…
What’s new and hot today is no different. We’ve still got plenty of violence and obscenity, thanks to the wonders of Celebrity Boxing and each contestants’ follow-up commentary on their own personal websites. We’ve still got the insanely retarded stunts that no one in their right mind would ever do for less than twenty bucks, a la MTV’s I Bet You Will and of course, Jackass. And let’s not forget, we’ve even still got copious amounts of bosom, care of Miss Anna Nicole herself…who cares if they’re not real?
And quite possibly the most important reason for us to all keep watching on an hourly basis – we’re all true voyeurs at heart who would much rather gaze into the edited and manipulated lives of strangers than go out and find lives of our own…but you know, with the current programming schedule we’ve got to deal with – who can hardly blame us?!?!? Survivor is on its worst season yet, but more people have watched this one than ever before. Anna Nicole and Ozzy Osbourne are both still going strong, even though their combined mentality at this point probably couldn’t get them through the 2nd grade. The most popular (and drawn out…) reality programming of all, MTV’s powerhouse combo of The Real World and Road Rules, is up to something like their 12th or 13th season, each, because no matter what major decisions our people are facing at any given time, it’s always refreshing to be able to go home and watch young co-eds getting it on in a moving Winnebago! Even Big Brother and The Amazing Race, two shows which I absolutely hated and refuse to follow, are already making plans for the next season, and in an industry that’s known for its cold-hearted ability to crush up and coming sitcoms two weeks into the season, that certainly can’t be a bad thing!
I guess living as a vegetable through the lives of others isn’t so bad, though. I mean, it’s really cold outside right now, so who wants to go out and live in that, anyways? At least I’m told that it’s pretty chilly outside because from my comfy perch underneath a pile of blankets on the couch, I’m perfectly content with my environmental surroundings! As long as I keep finding people to make the beer and pizza runs for me, I’ll be set for who knows how long!
Now if you’ll excuse me, they’re re-running The Real World: Boston in its entirety and I might’ve missed a few sex scenes when I got up for bathroom breaks last weekend…