It never fails. Every single time as my deadline approaches, I sit around wondering what in the world I’m going to write about for my next column, but this time I think it’s safe to say that I’ve been blessed…well, sort of. It’s an old favorite that I’ve been meaning to touch on again here eventually, and after some of the e-mails I’ve been getting lately, I think that now is just a good of time as ever…
I speak, of course, about porno – the sweet essence of joy and happiness that it is. I’m not going to sit here and argue with anybody about the pros and cons concerning such adult material, but let’s face it: it makes people feel good and isn’t that what life is all about, anyways? While some like to spend their free time running the bases at the neighborhood baseball diamond, there are those of us who, well, would rather be rounding a different set of bases…if you know what I mean! Unfortunately, as I’m sure so many of us have often encountered, it can sometimes be difficult to (how can I put this nicely?) find another “team” to play with. I can tell you right now, though, that this is no longer a situation to worry about because pornography’s got your back! Batter up!
I’ll pause for a brief moment while those still confused by the previous analogy leave the room…
Luckily in this day and age of independent living and, consequently, perpetual loneliness, adult material has slithered its way into the mainstream and, thanks to my favorite invention since sliced bread – the Internet (Al Gore is a genius…), the same things that used to cost us $6.95 a pop down at the newsstand are now available on our computers 24 hours a day, seven days a week! Oh yeah, and did I mention that it’s all free?!?!?!? Well, not all of it’s free, but really, nudity is nudity, right? No-cost smut is better than nothing at all? That’s what I used to think…
We all get them in our inboxes every day – unsolicited messages, or SPAM. Some receive more than others, always ranging from a wide array of topics, including the lowest prices for printer refill kits, university diplomas (soon you can simply call me doctor…), and 1,001 easy ways to make millions using eBay. Fortunately, my e-mail address is plastered all over the Internet like those phone numbers in a public restroom, so I seem to get more of this crap than your average Hotmail user. The above mentioned are usually fairly easy to avoid, as I can typically tell that they’re garbage simply by reading the titles, but with these adult websites using their clever, new mass-mailing techniques to attract visitors nowadays, more often than not I actually find myself having to open and read their mail before knowing whether or not it’s SPAM. Honestly, wouldn’t you have to think twice before deleting messages like these?
- When will I see you again?
- I’ve been looking all over for you!
- Remember me? We went to high school together…
- I need your advice.
- Live Teen Porn Tryouts!
As you can see, it’s quite the predicament I’m in; it’s pretty bad when you need a full-time secretary just to sort through your porno advertisements, isn’t it? Nah, I think I’d rather do that job myself and perhaps hire somebody else to do other mundane tasks for me, such as writing these weekly columns! Besides, if I didn’t get to go through my e-mail personally, I’d miss out some of the funniest creative advertising I’ve ever seen, which is actually what this column is eventually going to be about if I ever get around to it…
I agree that it is kind of sad, but I think some of the best advertisements I’ve ever seen have been for adult services on the Internet. Granted television has had its moments – the Super Bowl in particular – but nothing can compare to the e-mail I have here in my hand. It was so good that I had to print it out for the archives, or at least as proof to show that this kind of marketing does actually exist! The site in question, and I really don’t recommend this for the kids, was called Smut Farm (I’m sure you can figure out the address if it’s really all that important to you…). The ad was obviously presenting some seriously obscene situations, but their centerpiece just blew my mind. Smack dab in the middle of their promotional flyer was a picture of Osama bin Laden having sex with a donkey.
Yes, you read that right…nothing but the best from Smut Farm. Now I knew right off the bat that this had to be a doctored picture because, well, a donkey would never have sex with Osama bin Laden, but hidden deep below the surface there was real marketing genius going on here. Think about it – the majority of the world hates Osama right now and the majority of the world loves pornography. Put the two together and BAM!!! you’ve got yourself a winning combination right there! Come for the “Osama Does the Metropolitan Zoo” image series and stay for those pictures of the farmer’s daughter that you know you want…I’m sold!
If I’ve portrayed only one message throughout this column, I wish somebody would write and clue me in because even I’m lost at this point! The bottom line, though, can (hopefully) be summed up like this:
- Pornography – GOOD
- Unsolicited e-mail trying to sell me foolish products – BAD
- Unsolicited e-mail, yet somehow quite humorous – GOOD (up to a point!)
- Osama bin Laden – BAD
I think it’s time to stop hating the wrong things here, people! Have a safe and happy Memorial Day!!!
Production Notes:
Other Related Sites You May Find of Some Interest…
- Felicity’s Fun on the Farm
- A Man and His Sow
- Real Milkmaids Gone WILD!!!
- National Geographic magazine