It’s that time again folks – the one that we love and hate the most, where the jingling bells can put a smile on your face one day and drive you to your wits end in the grocery store the next. During pretty much the happiest season of the year, it should come as no surprise that more people are driven to the funny farm during the winter holidays than any other time of year – between shopping for presents, decorating inside and out, all of that baking, and of course, the mother of them all…those lovely family gatherings that we talked about just last week, I’m honestly impressed that as many of us have managed to make it through as it is…

But never fear, for I’m here to lend my assistance with a collection of ideas to help you not go insane this Christmas! Note that I said “ideas” instead of “tips” because they technically have yet to be thoroughly tested in a controlled environment, but regardless, even if we can’t prevent the inevitable, we should at least be able to have a good time along the way, right! If we’re gonna go crazy, then we might as well all go crazy together, and I’m just the man to lead the pack…wait a minute, that’s not our goal at all – who said that?! Oh boy, this is going to be an interesting holiday!

So where do we start? Well, if you’re anything like me, one of the most stressful parts of this whole Christmas-thing is the fact that you’re pretty much obligated to come up with all sorts of gifts for damn near everyone you’ve ever met, and don’t be surprised if you’re approached by a few strangers expecting a handout or two as well! Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I have a problem spending the money on other people or anything, but the problem lies in the concept that everyone else is doing the exact same thing at the exact same time, and we all know just how good I am at dealing with crowds! It was only a few years ago that I nearly killed someone over a Tickle Me Elmo doll this time of year…that old lady just pushed all the wrong buttons on that particular Sunday afternoon…

…and that’s why I’ve devised an enormously simple system for purchasing my own gifts during the holidays and it goes a little something like this: if I can’t get away with just baking them something, they’re getting a singing fish. It’s a widely-known fact that I absolutely adore Big Mouth Billy Bass, as well as all of the knock-offs (…a singing lobster – genius!), so rather than fighting the crowds and psycho shoppers at the mall just to get everyone on my list something that they’ll likely return anyways, I just order a couple of cases of my favorite serenading bottom-dweller and direct my attention on to bigger and better things! Even one up on that, in the minute chance that the recipients don’t love their gifts as much as I do, they usually just end up giving them away or pitching them altogether, thus presenting me with the wonderful opportunity of being able to share the gift of singing fish again with them next year as well. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, really!

But gift giving isn’t the only thing that makes us want to fling our festive bodies in front of the nearest sleigh during this jolly time of year, for it comes as no surprise that decorating can also pose quite the threat to the sanity of those like you and I. Fortunately due to the fact that I’m already nearing my word count for this column, I’m going to keep this idea brief and just go with the whole “less is more” concept. Herein, you’ve got a tree here, some lights outside, maybe wreathes on a door or two, but unless you’re really into the whole interior design thing, just let it be and move on to bigger and better things…

Like baking!!! I’ll be the first to admit that nothing really gets that holiday spirit a churning like the smell of fresh Christmas cookies and the strongest eggnog known to man…but the problem in this department is that basically people tend to take on more than they can chew (pun only partially intended). You ever wonder why the old lady seems to go bonkers about the time when you ask when dinner’s going to be ready about the second or third week into December? It’s typically because she’s spent so much time preparing food for school and the family and co-workers and the elderly shut-ins from down the street that her original task of keeping food on the table for you is getting pushed to the side…don’t let this happen! Luckily, we can easily cure this problem simply by cutting down on the sheer amount of baking that needs to be done – if you’d prefer not to go the easiest route and purchase these foods yourself, go an alternate route and plan on giving away stuff that you actually do know how to cook. The kids can take Rice Krispy treats into school just as easily as they can take cookies, while it doesn’t really even matter what you opt to prepare for each of you to take into work – chances are you don’t really like any of those people anyways! The important thing to remember is that you’re trying to lighten her workload so that she can get back to cooking for you.

And finally, as for dealing with family get-togethers, I’m sorry but I just don’t have anything to tell you that I haven’t already gone over recently! Just do your best to keep a level head, take an extra dosage of Valium just before everyone starts showing up, and you should be just fine. For a complete overview of enjoying the holiday experience and all that it’s worth, however, I should be so bold enough to point you in the direction of my all-time favorite concoction from last year, So You Want to Have a Merry Christmas, which pretty much covers absolutely everything that needs to be covered for you to have a truly perfect Christmas – there’s a money-back guarantee and everything!

If that doesn’t help you, then I don’t know what will, but just bear with me and in a few weeks, this will all be well behind us and we’ll be able to get back to those very special booger jokes that we all love so dearly. We’ll get through this together, I promise!