Folks, it’s that time again – you know what time I’m talking about! We’ve all been looking forward to it since springtime, the months seemed to pass by ever so slowly and it seemed like we’d never get there, but now that very moment is right around the corner and boy, I’ll tell you – you could cut the anticipation with a knife around here. Floats are being prepared, the Grand Marshall has put together one hell of an afternoon jubilee, and the Daylight Savings Queen certainly isn’t looking too shabby, either, I might add! Yes, this is one city that’s geared up and ready for the celebration, but it’s with my deepest regrets that I’m forced to bring this unsettling fact to light – not everyone feels the same as we do about Daylight Savings Time…

That’s right, as hard as it is to believe, there are some people out there who not only aren’t nearly as festive as the rest of us here are, but in fact, get this – they refuse to even acknowledge the occurrence altogether! I’ll give you a minute to absorb that – even though pretty much the entire civilized world observes Daylight Savings Time…Western Europe (yes, even the French), Iran & Iraq, and even some countries in Africa that have yet to import any technologies that you might keep track of it on, all are firm believers in the concept of Daylight Savings Time. Granted, there are a few others in Africa, Asia, and South America that aren’t in on our little game – half of Australia is still out of the loop, but we’re just impressed that the others made it to the table – and just to level with you, I wouldn’t honestly even expect them to be, but right here in our own backyard, I’m setting the bar a little higher, my friends! Indiana? Arizona? I’m calling you out!

(Note: Hawaii is kinda in a world all by itself, anyways, so I’m just gonna let this one slide…)

Now I’m sure that you’ve both got your reasons, as crazy as they might be, but frankly, I think it’s just time to drop the act and get with the program! Although my own personal knowledge of the agricultural industry is just about as limited as President Bush’s chances of winning the Nobel Prize anytime this century, I’m pretty sure that your crops really don’t give a good golly gosh darn what time it actually is! You people work yourselves such crazy hours anyways that as long as the roosters are able to keep up on the time, does it really matter what the grandfather clock says?

And as for you Arizona residents and your 110-degree “dry heat,” I honestly don’t know what to tell ya! You obviously don’t have the crop excuse that Indiana has been falling on because, well, you live in the middle of the freaking desert, so the only other excuse that I can really manage to think of at this time is long-term heat strokes – the prolonged exposure to such extreme heats (the kind that sterilizes surfaces and brings water buffalos to their knees) has just melted your minds to a point where instead of taking the theories of time and space into what most would otherwise consider logical consideration, the state’s primary thought consensus pretty much consists of “Is tonight Bingo night?” or “…sand hot, very hot…” One could hardly blame you – I myself try to avoid even looking out the window when it gets above about ninety-five degrees around here, so why not just simplify things and take a flying leap into the 21st century?!

I don’t mean to be confrontational, it’s just that Daylight Savings Time is an event that should be celebrated, not desecrated. There are plenty of things worth arguing about in this world – taxes, the democratic national campaign, the point behind college women’s basketball, but let’s not clump such an otherwise glorious spectacle in with that whole mess! This is a time for parades and parties, not stubbornness and non-compliance, so turn those clocks back an hour with pride! Closing time is suddenly another hour away and you’ve got another hour of sleep to look forward to – who in their right mind would cause a stink about that?!

That’s right – not even the French…