There are few things in this world that I enjoy doing as much as sleeping, or at least few that are as easily obtainable! It’s relaxing, rejuvenating, refreshing, and several other words that begin with R, but most importantly – I’m good at it and I can do it just about anywhere…or at least I used to be able to… It seems that lately, with the coming of summer and all that it entails, along has also come a family of crickets into my life – a very vocal family of crickets who chooses to have their raving family discussions promptly at 4:00 AM every evening, just as I’m well on my descent into la-la land…
Now right off the bat, I can tell what those of you living in the bigger cities across the nation are thinking – “Hey, it beats traffic and gunshots and roving gangs!” Although you may say that now, you can’t tell me that it would somehow be easier to fall asleep to the gentle and soothing sounds of Mother Nature than those of hardcore, metropolitan violence and mayhem! Sure, those thugs and hoodlums can be mighty intimidating, with their boom boxes and souped-up rice-burners and lingering sense of death and destruction, but man, these crickets are freakin’ huge, I tell ya!
Easily the size of Volkswagens, these beasts have made a regular thing out of gathering along the outside wall closest to my bedroom, resonating their incessant song throughout my home, my resting quarters, and ultimately, my skull! Chirping loudly enough that I’ve half expected on many occasions to awaken and find the giants circled around my pillow like wolves hovering over their next victim, yet these noisy devils still manage to possess that bizarre skill of being able to go stealth the second I jump from my bed, flashlight and newspaper in hand, ready to kill the first thing I see that moves. The second I spring from my non-existent slumber, overcome with an uneasy combination of bloodlust and insomnia, the entire room goes silent and it seems like all my troubles have disappeared. Of course, we all have a pretty good idea of what happens when I attempt to retire once again…
So here’s the situation now – I can’t remember the last time I’ve gotten a decent night’s sleep and everyone knows that I can just be such a blast to be around when I’ve been lacking in this department, so it goes without saying that something needs to be done to alleviate this ordeal, pronto! I’ve already checked at the store and they simply don’t make a can of bug spray big enough for what I’d like to do, nor can I afford the electricity bill that comes along with a gargantuan-size bug zapper. Moving is pretty much out of the question because I think they’re smarter than that and would just follow me, and the best idea that I’ve heard yet – that I should sneak up on them while they’re sleeping during the day and sing show tunes for a dose of their own medicine – probably won’t work, either, because well, all of my friends and neighbors already know that I might just be too good of a singer for anyone or anything to consider it a punishment!
What I’m looking for is a solution and seeing as my readers tend to stand among the upper echelon of civilization as we know it, it seemed only logical that I turn to you guys for advice, and believe me, guys – I really need to get some sleep soon! Whether your idea involves encasing my bedroom in a soundproof bubble or even planting enough premium cricket chow around my neighbors’ houses to distract the beasts from my own attempted slumber, I want to hear about it! Although I can’t technically pay you for your assistance, you will be able to sleep good at night knowing that, well, I’m sleeping good at night, and that’s gotta count for something, right?! To throw your hat into the ring, send your ideas to:
I look forward to hearing from many of you soon…it’s not like I’ve got anything else to be doing in the meantime…