Sometimes I wonder why us good guys even bother…

Take any situation and just look around you – rarely, if ever, will you see a truly equal relationship, and by that I mean one where the man and woman genuinely deserve each other. When was the last time you saw the sweet, attractive girl walking around with the nurturing, sensitive (and gorgeously handsome) man? Unless she just happened to be there collecting her child support, I’d guess not too many! Nope, instead this beautiful doll of a woman is roaming around with the scum from the bottom of the bucket – a guy who never listens to her, maybe even knocks her around every once in a while, and basically treats her like garbage…but she hangs around anyways.

If there were any justice in the world, he’d have ended up with the woman who rarely comes home before dawn more than three days a week, drinks herself to sleep those nights that she is home, and couldn’t hold a steady job to save her life, but no, no – guess who ends up with that one?! That’s right, while the good girl is off mopping up beer and chips after her boyfriend’s rowdy poker game, the good guy sits at home watching Leno, wondering which bars his girlfriend is hitting up tonight with her own drinking buddies. Two individuals whom anyone with half a brain would think were made for one another, yet they both chose their respective paths themselves – one probably out of sheer desperation and the other, well, we don’t actually know why the other chose her path, but damn it – that’s what we’re here to try to figure out in the first place!

So that’s the question at hand – Why do perfectly decent women choose to be with jerks? I’m sure that better men have psychoanalyzed this very same question, although maybe not after as many drinks as I’ve had, so just hear me out for the next few minutes. Unfortunately, this Buddhist-like question, very similar to “Why is the Earth round?” or “Why do hotdogs come in packages of ten, while hotdog buns come in packages of eight???” simply doesn’t have one definite answer, so I’ve taken the liberty of dividing my time amongst the following three theories, each just a little bit zanier than the one before…

1. Women are Idiots

Now don’t get me wrong, men are most certainly idiots, too (Wiener-Mobile, anyone?), but for the purposes of this theory, let’s just forget everything we already know about the ignorance of the human population as a whole and focus on the fairer sex for just a moment. How does that old saying go again? “Never trust anything that shops for three days and doesn’t die…” or something like that!

From the perspective of a nice, wholesome guy looking in, the entire scenario just doesn’t make any sense:

Woman wakes up and proceeds to spend countless hours primping and preparing for another night on the town.

Woman arrives at bar where she is immediately considered as prey by ever drunk and horny man within 6.2 miles.

Man approaches woman, buys her several drinks, “dances” with her and ends up taking her home at the end of the night.

Man has sex with woman…twice!

Woman, realizing that man is a complete and total scumbag, hails a cab home and cries herself to sleep that night.

Woman wakes up and proceeds to spend countless hours primping and preparing for another night on the town…

So basically the only take on this that I can manage to figure out is that in order to find a woman, one must reduce his own level down to that of a pedophilistic, drunken tree slug, and since the majority of guys that are already at this level, the ladies aren’t bright enough to keep looking until they find something a little higher up the evolutionary ladder and simply default to sleeping with whatever slithers her way. You might say that it’s not the woman’s fault if the guy’s a jerk, but if he’s a jerk, then why does she sleep with him in the first place?! I suppose it could be any combination of denial, sexual deprivation, or ever-thriving hope that there might really be an angel somewhere underneath the cutoffs and tattoos, but frankly I ain’t buying it. When all is said and done, if you can’t tell the difference between a sadistic coke-head looking for a quick screw and the man you slept with last night, you’re an idiot.

They say that ignorance is bliss? Touche.

2. The Gripes of Wrath

I think that if I had to do the math, I could honestly say that out of all of the women whom I have ever known, probably all but three have taken some sort of personal joy out of complaining…bitching and moaning…playing the role as the belligerent shrew-beast…feel free to choose whichever terms strike your fancy the most. (…wait, make that four – there was that one girl back in ’98…but I somehow managed to lose her phone number…idiot!) I used to simply blame it on PMS, but after still leaving the other twenty-eight days unaccountable, I knew that there had to be another explanation…

I have yet to actually find this explanation, but nevertheless it does help to lead us towards a solution for the task at hand – if a woman were to simply date a decent guy that’s right for her, she wouldn’t have anything to complain about! Yeah, I’m sure the occasional dishes or garbage or drop-dead gorgeous secretary with the dynamite ass that’s everything she’ll never be would come up, but those alone couldn’t possibly be enough to fill her daily quota so instead of risking the need to outsource the leftover reticule, it’s just easier for her to date a man whose bound to give her plenty to complain about! I know, it sounds a bit odd, but I never said that this was going to make any sense, now did I?

3. Fuck It – Who Wants Pie?

There are some mysteries of the universe that we’re just better off not knowing the answers to and as much as I hate to admit it, my friends, I think that this may very well be one of them! Sure, I could rack my brains day and night in search of the solution to eternal happiness; I could even establish monthly focus groups, gathering hundreds and hundreds of people in hopes of collectively uncovering the truth…and you thought that the Million Man March looked impressive! Nevertheless, when it’s all over we’ll still no doubt come up a day late or a dollar short, so maybe we’re simply better off skipping the small talk and jumping straight to dessert.

It would be safe to say that we could probably file this one away with the legend of the Bermuda Triangle, the secret ingredient in that cheesy-garlic bread at Red Lobster, and how The Anna Nicole Show ever made it on the air in the first place as yet another perpetually-unsolved mystery of modern society. I guess the only advice I can truly give to my fellow men on this Valentine’s Day would be that if somehow you have managed to find a woman who completely contradicts everything I’ve just covered, for God’s sake hold on to her and don’t let her out of your sight! Seriously, use ropes or chains if you have to because I’ll guarantee you that there’s a line of decent guys waiting a mile long to take advantage of the first time you drop the ball…

I know this because I’m one of them and I’m getting damn close to the front of the line by now! Just something to keep in mind…Happy Valentine’s Day!!!