Here on the streets of Downtown Tampa, we’re about to surprise one lucky pedestrian with a lunch-time treat that they certainly won’t soon forget! As these folks here walk out of the world famous Jerk Chicken Café, they won’t know until hours later (and even days for some!) if that spicy, Caribbean flavor alone was worth the ordeal that their digestive tract will soon endure…that is, except for this strapping, young gentleman right here…

“Hi there! I’m a television host that you’ve probably never heard of before – what’s your name?”

“…uh, Jim. My name is Jim…”

“Well, Jim – today is your lucky day! I’d like to exploit your dignity for the entertainment of roughly three and a half dozen daytime viewers. Now let me ask you something – how was your lunch today?”

“I guess it was pretty good.”

“Hehehe, that’s what you think, Jim! But it won’t be long before that Jamaican Delight is doing one heck of a number on your small intestine! Now typically you wouldn’t even be aware of that Rastafarian recourse until it caught up with you late into the business day…possibly in the middle of an important business meeting or something…but today you’re going to get the inside track of the tract inside you!”


“You see, Jim – with this tiny, fiber-optic camera (provided by Sony), we’re going to be taking a journey today that is usually reserved only for “special circumstances!”

“So I get to be on TV, eh?”

“Yes. Yes you do, Jim! You’re going to be on TV and be the envy of your friends, family, and co-workers for months to come, and we’re going to get started right after this commercial break. For those of you watching at home, I can already tell that this is going to be one of our spiciest episodes ever! Don’t change that dial – you’re watching Ambush Colonoscopy!!!

Ahhh, the joys of daytime television…right?! First the soap-operas, next the cheesy, yet mind-numbing, tongue-in-cheek programming about relationships and the importance of personal grooming to keep us all occupied until the court tv circuit kicks in to round out the rest of the afternoon – it’s a wonder that I’m able to get any work at all done, really…

I could just go on and on about all of the shows that I just love to hate, and frankly that scares the bejesus out of me because I would’ve thought that I was above all of those reunions and tales of heartache / revenge / bitter loneliness…but apparently I’m not! There’s nothing quite like the whimsical ravings of the girl who got stood up at the prom thirty years ago whose only goal in life is to tell that Bobby Fletcher just exactly how he made her feel, let me tell you! I’ve been watching these creations more and more as the opportunities arise and it’s because of this that I’m finally able to realize just exactly why there’s so much crap on television nowadays – because we keep watching it!

How can we honestly expect these offerings to change when it turns out that we just can’t get enough of them in the first place?! Of course, most people are at work during these times of the day anyways, so I would assume that their daytime ratings expectations can’t be much higher than, oh say, watching grass grow in the first place…much like how it is day-in, day-out at The WB…but take a day off being sick or just stubborn and I’d be willing to bet my lunch money that you’ll be glued to the set just like the rest of us! In reality, there’s probably nothing that we can do because hey, it beats going outside and working in the garden, doesn’t it?!

Yes, yes it does, but if we’re not careful, eventually we are going to see programming on the air that results in something like this…

“Wow, it almost feels like we’re spelunking, doesn’t it Jim?”


“I know, I know – you’re speechless. Don’t feel bad – it happens a lot here on our show, actually! But don’t worry, as we’ve made you and your family a copy of today’s adventure on DVD so that you can relive the excitement whenever you’d like! How does that sound?”


“Gotcha! Well, that’s about all the time we have for today’s show – I’d like to thank our sponsors over at Sony for providing the technology that makes my budding career possible, along with our good friend, Jim, here for giving us something to look at! By the way, buddy, I’m no specialist or anything, but you might want to have a doctor take a look at that tape worm after the show – boy, does he look hungry!”


“I’m Lindsay Brightman, that was Jim’s gastronic chamber, and you’ve been watching Ambush Colonoscopy!