Thank God – finally another holiday about candy!

I can just tell that all of the religious zealots furiously typing away as we speak (right, as if they read my column regularly…), but to be honest with you, as long as I’ve got a basket full of chocolate in each hand, I couldn’t care less what you think! Don’t take it personally, of course, it’s not you…and it’s not really me, either – that’d be the candy talking at this point, and let it be known that when a chocolate-covered bunny filled with peanut butter talks, I listen…

Mind you, I try not to segregate by any means when it comes to the indulgence of my sweet tooth – I welcome both peanut butter and creamy nougat like they were long-lost brothers, and as far as I’m concerned you could only lead to further sweeten the reunion by dipping the whole family in a rich and luscious caramel…and then a hard chocolate shell for support! Top the whole thing off with a dollop of whipped cream and it’s a wonder that I don’t still have that famed pizza face that made me such a hit with the girls of the chess team back in high school! Yes, yes, those were memorable times to say the very least, but let’s try to stay on topic here!

You know, a lot of folks complain about the commercialization of our holidays and how corporate moguls just use them as stepping stones to get a little deeper into our pocketbooks, but being the bold (read: weird) one of the bunch, I’ve got to say that I actually enjoy and encourage the friendly competition between said businesses as they push creativity and imagination to new heights in an attempt to earn my money! Some of our greatest inventions might have never become a reality had these companies not been driven to improve their existing product lines – peanut butter cups became peanut butter eggs and Christmas trees, miniature versions of our favorite candy bars were molded into festive, new shapes of toy soldiers and witches and bunnies, and of course there’s the ever-expanding marshmallow revolution that seems to Peep its way into more and more shapes every year…and I look forward to each one just as I would a new child!

But…and there’s always a but…there is one particular “candy-type product” out there on the market that, although it continues to dominate its particular niche, also continues to blow my mind. “He can’t be thinking what we think he’s thinking…” you tell yourselves, but yes I’m thinking exactly what you think I’m thinking, and in a moment I’m about to burn down on the record exactly what I’m thinking, despite the fact that social outcast and eternal damnation are just two of the scenarios that could result in my laying it on the line as such. If you have young children around, or fall into that loving category that I like to refer to as those with relatively weak comedic stomachs, please leave while you’ve still got the chance. Ok then, here it goes – I don’t like Cadbury Eggs…

Is it just me or did I just hear a pin drop?

Before all of the what’s and why’s and are you out of your mind’s come rolling out, allow me to justify this decision with one single statement – eggs have no place on any dessert table. And don’t get me wrong – I do like eggs in general, both for their incredible and edible qualities, but they simply don’t belong in the candy section any more than vegetables should be classified as “snacks.” Oddly enough, however, I am complete ok with the classic Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs because, well, they’re not really trying to fool anybody – it’s quite obvious that the contents of their eggs belongs in the sweets section of my local grocer…but with Cadbury – even though it’s technically a sweet and creamy center, there’s just too much of a resemblance there for me to stomach…

Maybe if they were to make the centers pink or a variety of other pastel colors, that might persuade me to give the fabled Holy Grail of Easter Treats another go around, but just between you and me, regardless of just how absolutely incredible these little nuggets are claimed to be, there will always be one final point that, even after eighty years of production, has the creator failed to address, and that question is this:

How does a rabbit get off laying EGGS in the first place???

Ponder that while you’re sorting through another basket’s worth of loot – Happy Easter!