…you could go full-time!

So how about that game, eh?! The Patriots gently spanked the Panthers with a last-minute field goal that would’ve had even Grandma screaming at the television had she been awake past the third quarter, the most exciting play in said game was that exact same field goal which can only lead us to believe that whoever was in charge of the choreography for this year’s event took a bit longer vacation than he should’ve, and once again the most anticipated parts of the entire evening were the commercial breaks…but hey, at least we got to see a little booby, right?!

And of course, the following three days were spent listening to excuses and apologies because four people across America got a little squeamish when arguably one of the most delectable breasts was aired for all to see on national television – what is this world coming to, anyways?! A three-hour long program based upon the idea of thirty-five guys beating the living tar out of each other in between million dollar commercials entwining lesbianism and soda and fart jokes, and suddenly our morality has gone on down the toilet when our screen is graced with a few seconds worth of Janet Jackson’s tam-tams? Apparently I must’ve been in the bathroom or something the day that our country lost that tough-skinned, in-your-face attitude…

Last week it was Bubba’s potty-mouth on the radio, and now a bit of flesh on television – what’s next? Bugs Bunny wiggles his butt suggestively at Yosemite Sam, leading both PETA and GLAD to collectively feel uncomfortable about our state of affairs? People are just so touchy these days that I’m honestly surprised that I haven’t been sued yet just for talking about this kind of stuff! Seriously, though, I understand how every parent wants their children to grow up all good and wholesome and whatnot, but instead of educating them about all of the war and famine that plagues the world on a daily basis, we’re more concerned that they saw a little bit of the human body on primetime television?! Well, for one thing, we can bet for sure that your little Johnny certainly isn’t going to grow up to be a senator, now is he?!

It seems to me that there are really only two things that we need to focus on with this particular argument – of course, the first being that young children and overly-sensitive people really shouldn’t be watching programming like this anyways! Football parties are supposed to be about the fighting and the bruises to follow, the beer and nachos and the farting to follow, and the most risqué commercials and half-time entertainment that can be gotten away with, and there’s simply no room for those with uneasy stomachs in the crowd! If you just happen to be one of these types, then you should certainly feel free to spend the evening walking around a museum or playing Monopoly with your children – just leave us to our own devices. There are lots of horrible things happening in this world on a daily basis, and let it be said that under no circumstances should the bosoms of any woman be included in that tally!

More importantly, however, it’s even more apparent to me that we need to do something NOW to desensitize the nay-sayers before it’s too late, and I know that they’re initially going to object to this movement…but they’re just going to have to deal with it because it’s really for their own good! And my movement, as I’m sure that many of you have already guess, is that we no doubt need even more questionable material out there for parents and clergymen and political activists to deal with on a daily basis, from cartoon characters to primetime television and even trips to the grocery store – no stone should be left unturned, no cereal box left unscathed. Instead of shielding our youth from this kind of behavior, just take a moment to explain to them exactly why it’s so degrading for Tony the Tiger to be doing that to Cap’n Crunch in plain daylight…and then move on with your lives! With any luck, the kids will already understand and think it’s hilarious anyways, so we might just get off only having one generation worth of hypocrites to evolve here…

So that’s my plan, people – run with it or step to the side as we all strive to return this country to the state that it was not so long ago, when nudity was greeted with appreciation for beauty and the whole gang gathered around the television for dinner every night. I miss those times…