Ok, so I righteously confess – when it comes to entertainment, relaxation and all around having-a-good-time-ed-ness, I’m a Disney Freak (although we do prefer the term Savant when given the option). In fact, whereas I used to answer, “On my couch, watching TV…” when receiving the infamous, “Where you at?” call on my cell over the weekend, now instead callers are much more likely to hear, “We’re just getting ready to hop on Spaceship Earth” or “We’re watching the fireworks over Cinderella’s Castle – where are you?” or even once, I must admit, “Holy crap – we’re about to get eaten alive…I’m gonna have to call you back!”

For all of you fellow Disney Freaks out there, you know that ride…

But alas, just as in everywhere else that I go, I tend to notice things left and right that stand out to me – some because they’re funny in a good way, and some because they really stand to irritate me in a very, very bad way! My girlfriend tells me that I need to just let it go already and enjoy the happiest place on Earth as it is, but hey, if I can make a column out of it and whip a little moral / well-thought-out plea at my readers in the meantime, then I suppose that’s just as well. So take these words to heart and let them flourish, for within your dreams do all of the answers to your heart lie…

…I have no idea what that means, but regardless – on with the show!

  • You’re never too old to get your picture taken with your favorite Disney characters, but remember, guys – just because she’s supposed to be “in character” doesn’t mean that it’s going to stop Snow White from smacking you up something fierce for those “wandering hands” of yours…
    • …but nonetheless, won’t that make for a memorable shot for the album?!
  • Just remember – don’t think of it as “waiting in line;” instead try to consider it just “building the anticipation”…kind of like foreplay for the amusement park!
  • If nothing else, the technological wonder that is Epcot has taught us that no vegetable is more hilarious than the turnip…the singing turnip, that is!
  • Despite their clever ruse, wearing a Hawaiian shirt won’t automatically get you on stage at Disney-MGM Studio’s Indiana Jones Stunt Spectacular…believe me, I’ve tried!
  • If I catch wind that you went to the Magic Kingdom and didn’t bring me anything from the Main Street Confectionary, please consider us to no longer be on speaking terms…
  • No matter how much fun it looks, wearing your bathing suit so that you can play in the fountains with the kiddies will get you red-flagged by security every time…at least when you’re in your mid-40s, that is…
  • It’s ok to experience a little education while you’re on vacation, a la the World Showcase at Epcot…besides, what better way to familiarize yourself with other cultures than by enjoying a frothy beverage the world around?!
  • But if it’s peace and quiet you’re after, allow me to suggest Disney’s Animal Kingdom – rumor has it one day they might even build a theme park there…
  • Pushing a stroller does not automatically grant you supreme power over the sidewalks and walkways – the same rules of common courtesy still apply…even if you’re getting grumpy because the baby has been crying ever since Mr. Toad’s “Wild” Ride and you just caught your fiancé staring at that girl’s chest.
  • …and while we’re at it, how’s about understanding that the gift shops are crowded enough as it is…that’s why you see stroller parking all around these places! Don’t act so surprised when you get those dirty looks because you’re trying to push that four-wheel-drive, two-seater beast through an already packed toy store!
  • Ok, one last thing and then I’ll lay off the strollers, I promise! Scenario goes as follows – we’re all leaving the park at the end of the day, huddled in a gigantic mass of varying moods, and you decide that it’ll speed up your own departure by simply leaving the stroller behind in the middle of the sidewalk (hey, it’s the park’s anyways, right?) and just carrying the baby out to the parking lot. Thanks to your quick thinking, most of us are left to walk around your discarded stroller because hey, have you ever made the mistake of touching somebody else’s stroller and getting caught by an over-defensive mother?! If I catch you doing it, I will say something…
  • But who really wants to be in a bad mood at the end of a great day at Disney, anyways? Go grab yourself a $7 caramel/fudge/M&M/peanut-covered apple from the nearest candy store and enjoy it…it’s going to take roughly three days to get back to your car, so you’ve got plenty of time!

But seriously, folks – I’m not bitter…I just write that way…

(ten bonus points to anyone who identifies the reference before next week!)