I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this is a crazy world in which we live!

Thousands of innocent people continue to parish in faraway lands, probably hundreds in your very own city will go without food and shelter tonight, but first up on the news – SpongeBob SquarePants may be gay! Forget our real problems that face the world today – we’ve got a real situation here…alert the press, strike up the band, get me another martini!

Folks – I don’t know about you, but I wish that I had an explanation for it all – you just can’t make these kinds of headlines up, and you know as well as I do that I’ve tried…

• Giant, Hissing Cockroaches Abandon Room 314 at the Howard Johnson to Pursue Cleaner Neighborhood
• Man to Wed Childhood Sweetheart’s Pet Porpoise
• George W. Bush Elected for a Second Term

I guess when it really comes down to it, there’s only one way to describe the kinds of things that we’re seeing here these days – adults are wackos. I know that back in my days of Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, the last thing on my mind was whether or not Bert and Ernie had a little something-something going on on the side! The brain of your average six-year-old simply doesn’t even consider the fact that segments of our society may be uncomfortable with the concept of two same-sexed sponges living together in a pineapple under the sea – for those kinds of insights, we need to tap the fully “developed” mind of the adult. And frankly, after being around these people long enough, I’d be more than happy to trade in my boxers for Pampers and head back to recess for a few more hours!

Come to think of it, wouldn’t it be great to be able to leave all of this craziness around us in the dust for a while and take a step back to the basics? Sure, it’s neat and all to drive a car and drink alcohol, but then again, you’ve never heard of anyone mixing grape juice and Power Wheels with deadly, gruesome results, now have you?! A world where playtime and naptime and dinnertime pretty much make up your entire day, few things are expected of you and you’re met with applause for eating all of your dinner and waking up the following morning without wetting the bed – just point me in the right direction and I’ll be the first one on the list!

Perhaps Peter Pan had a good idea after all – if growing up just causes all of these chaotic problems and makes perverts out of us, then wouldn’t you have opted for the whole concept of perpetual happiness and fun and games, too? Lest we not forget that Peter Pan could fly – also a trick that few people have been able to pull off more than once in a lifetime…

But nonetheless, we can’t go back to those Candy Land days, so instead we must do the next best thing – welcome the toys and the carefree atmosphere back into our lives once again, bring back The Muppets and Fraggle Rock, and remember what it’s like to be a kid again! We need to stop looking for the sexual innuendo in Disney movies and enjoy them for what they are once again – good CLEAN fun! Bring back the days when all of the people regarded Michael Jackson for his singing talents and the world was a happier place when we didn’t care what those in the limelight do after hours. Sex doesn’t have to be a dirty word, but you don’t need to run around yelling it on Sesame Street, either – let’s keep the children out of this!

…and by the way, yes – there is something wrong with you for thinking that Red was the sexiest Fraggle of them all! Come on – get your minds out of the gutter, people…