Oh, the wondrous beauty of autumn.

Isn’t this a great time of year? The hot, scathing weather has slipped away for a much more manageable, cool breeze. The leaves turn the most brilliant shades of yellows and oranges and reds before finally saying sayonara and plummeting to the ground, resulting in piles upon piles of leaves with which to jump into in whimsy. Halloween is right around the corner, filled with pumpkins and ghouls and ghosts, and beyond that we’ve got the cornucopias of Thanksgiving to look forward to before the season finally departs to make way for winter.

Well, at least that’s what I remember happening around this time of year, anyways…

And you know, that’s probably one of the biggest complaints that I here from other people around here about Florida, besides “Those tourists don’t know how to drive!” and “That alligator just ate my cat!” of course. Whereas in other parts of the country, seasons are fairly distinct – fall with the leaves, winter with the snow, spring with not the snow, and then summer with somewhat tolerable daytime temperatures; Florida, on the other hand, is a completely different ballgame. Our seasons, if you even want to call ‘em that, are more along the lines of somewhat tolerable, actually pretty nice, gettin’ warmer again, and good god, why would anyone venture outside in this sweltering heat?!

Of course, I guess there are tradeoffs pretty much wherever you decide to live. Sweat your ass off or freeze your ass off – either way, your ass is going to be subject to less than optimal weather conditions at one point or another throughout the year. Unless you can maybe afford to spend your summers up there and your winters down here, then at least you’d have fairly nice weather all year round. Granted, then we’re back in the boat of not really getting to experience seasons, per say, but not to worry about that because not for nothing, but humor columnist isn’t exactly a vacation home owning-kind of job, if you know what I mean…

That said, despite the lack of seasons I think I’m fairly content with living here in Florida. Yes, the heat can be a bear, and the threat of hurricanes wiping out your very existence seven months out of every year can take a little getting used to, but in my eyes hurricanes aren’t really all that different from tornados or earthquakes or mudslides or blizzards. The only real difference is what kind of attire you get to wear while you’re weathering the storm, and if I get to chose, I’ve got to say that I’d pick shorts and a Hawaiian shirt over a snowsuit, furry hat, scarf, wool gloves, and those big, clonky boots that you can only lift three inches off the ground any day! At least when waiting out a hurricane, I can actually order a Hurricane from the bar and have it delivered to me in a tall glass with an umbrella in it; unless you prefer your drinks frozen…solid…that doesn’t work so much up north.

So I guess ultimately there’s really no sense in gloating over another region’s ridiculously inane weather because when it comes down to it, we’ve all got our own problems. Now if you’ll all excuse me, I’m gonna go swimming … have fun raking leaves or shoveling snow or whatever it is that you non-southerners do this time of year…