Don’t worry – I know what you’re thinking, so before you get all excited and mount that high-horse of yours, I want to assure you that this isn’t going to be another one of those columns where I rub in how great it is to live in Florida because the weather’s so nice that I can go to the beach in the middle of March.

But just for the record and consistency’s sake, “Ha ha!”

Anyways, the other night my girlfriend thought it would be nice for us to go out for the evening since we’ve rarely been seeing each other lately due to our crazy and completely opposite work schedules, so a pleasant evening was planned with dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, to be followed by a nice and relaxing walk on the beach. You know, sort of like your average date, only without all the worry about whether or not you’re going to get any sex out of it! Nope, in my world the woman has no troubles picking up the check every now and then, we normally couldn’t care less about dressing up because we’re just thrilled to be in the same room as one another for a few minutes, and the sex … well, that’s pretty much mandatory after a night like this, but you know me – I never kiss and tell…

I might kiss and brag, but that’s an entirely different column altogether!

Regardless, after finishing up a delicious Chinese meal that will likely leave me feeling guilty about my diet for days, we made our way over to the beach where we had intended on burning off a few of those newly-acquired calories in a leisurely jaunt along the shoreline. Of course, even at the end of March the water is still a little to cold to swim in, unless you happen to be a polar bear or something, but since neither of us are, in fact, polar bears, we opted to stay a few feet from the water itself so as to better enjoy its beauty without actually being frozen by it.

You meet some funny people at the beach during the daytime, so it only goes without saying that you usually have a tendency to meet some really funny people at the beach at eleven o’clock at night! Young teenagers trying to have sex, older couples trying to remember how to have sex, single folks jealous of all the other people and the sex they may or may not actually be engaging in – I know, I’m sure you’d like to think that there are other sorts of things to do on the beach at night other than have sex, but really, there’s just not. I mean, I guess you could just sit there and look up at the sky or something, but can’t you already do that pretty much anywhere?! Then again, I suppose you could say the same about sex, at least if you’re fairly creative and/or flexible, but I’m not so let’s not kid ourselves, ok?

But all in all it was a beautiful night for “walking” and “stargazing” and anything else you might care to put in “italicized quotation marks” in order to incite innuendo, even as unlikely as it might have been, and the evening proved to be a great escape from the normal drudgery that has lately become of our mundane lives. We knocked down many a deserted sandcastle, and left one intact because we were somehow able to agree that it resembled a mermaid with unusually large breasts, so ultimately the night was a huge success. Of course, then my girlfriend proceeded to fall asleep in the car on the ride home, leaving me alone in my thoughts to sing along with the sounds of the ‘80s on the radio, dedicating several to that well-endowed mermaid because hey, that’s just the kind of thing that I do to amuse myself when the rest of the world has gone to sleep…

Don’t worry, though – for those of you who were still wondering, I did wake her up when we got home if not so much as to let her move from the cramped car back into our comfy bed, but to remind her of that other part of the date that had still yet to be fulfilled, wink, wink! And if she hadn’t been only half-asleep and heard me singing to the imaginary, well-endowed mermaid, then maybe things would’ve went a little better than I had planned, but hey – at least I got to go to the beach!

…in March, because I live in Florida…