Ladies, you might want to sit this one out – go grab a drink and just talk amongst yourselves for the next few minutes – because the men and I need to have a little talk…

We need to have a little talk because I’m tired of having to wipe down the toilet seat every time I go to the restroom because apparently some of you guys have about as much control over your penises as you might over an out-of-control fire hose … during a tornado … with an empty potato sack over your head. I really don’t understand what the problem is because I’ve had a penis myself now for a number of years and ever since I mastered that whole walking on two legs gesture, I like to think that I’ve managed to maintain pretty decent control over the entire lower half of my body in general. But you … it’s like you just got the thing this morning and you’re still trying to get the hang of what it is and how it works, and truthfully you’re not all that sure that you even want it in the first place and are secretly weighing the pros and cons in the back of your head about taking it back and exchanging it for a wobbly CD rack from IKEA. Come to think of it, you might want to get yourself an agent because handling like that, whether it’s more hilarious or just plain sad, must be a sight to see in the bedroom and could probably fetch you a pretty penny.

A penny that you could use to buy an ounce of respect for your fellow man, you filthy slob!

And while we’re on the subject, I’d like to know who went around passing out memos saying that it’s ok if you’re opting to use one of the stalls as urinals to just walk in and start doing your thing without first closing the door behind you. Sure, I understand that when you normally stand up to pee, you don’t have to worry about closing any doors behind you because there aren’t any, hence the entire concept of the urinal, but when you’re in a foreign territory, you do your business as the Romans would do and close the door to the stall that you just entered before whipping your penis out to spray over everything except the actual water in the toilet! It doesn’t make me a jerk or an asshole for accidentally walking in and hitting your back with the door because had the door been used as designed in the first place, you’d have all the privacy in the world. That’s what the stalls in the men’s room are all about – privacy!

Ladies, now that I see you’re back – I just want to tell you how lucky you are for not having to tolerate such Neanderthal-like behavior in your restrooms. I know that you really don’t have an option when it comes to standing or sitting, and you know what? Maybe that’s a good thing. Apparently people can’t be given too much freedom when it comes to going to the bathroom because otherwise they’re apt to just make a mess all over the place. I don’t like cleaning up urine, and I couldn’t imagine too many people that would put something like that on their list of enjoyable activities. I mean, maybe it worked back in the caveman days or in rural areas where there isn’t a whole lot of anything to interfere, but even then, you’d better believe if Ugg just started peeing on the side of the cave where his wife washes the loincloths, there’d be a clubbing to be had…

I don’t ask for a lot when I walk into a restroom – soap and paper towels in the dispensers, water faucets that stay on for longer than three and a half seconds, and when I walk into an empty stall, a toilet seat that hasn’t been splattered with the last guy’s piss. The first two are typically out of the every man’s control, but as for the third – have we not evolved as a species to have at least the slightest concern over cleanliness when it comes to our bodily functions? Unless you’re looking to settle down and start a family there, I see no need to mark your territory in such a manner!

We’d better not need to have this discussion again. Get a grip, guys…