So this is it, folks – my last column as a single man, and not so much in the doppelganger or evil twin lurking out there in the shadows perspective so much as the no more checking out hot chicks at the mall and thinking that I still have a chance with them scenario. Although I suppose just for the record, I probably never really did have those chances even as a single bachelor out on the prowl, if you will…

Anyways, what this ultimately means for you is that when you hear from me next week, as you sit down with a fresh cup of joe and a smile on your face to read my next hilarious humor column, is that I’ll officially be a married man. At least that’s the plan as long as her father’s dowry clears, that is! They say that this is to be quite the surreal time – a defining moment in a man’s life when he bids farewell to “the good life” that is being single and wild and free in favor of “the better life” of being secure in the fact that you will only ever have sex with one single person for the rest of your days…if you can manage to keep yourself out of the doghouse, of course!

Even so, however, it’s really not that big of a deal to me because frankly, just between you and me, I never really was a very good bachelor anyways…

I mean, sure, maybe bachelorhood is a hoot for the guy who’s out every weekend partying with a chick on each arm and a beer somewhere in between, but for the guy who spends his Saturday nights eating pizza, playing video games, and posting to his blog about his noisy neighbors?! Not so much! You’d be hard-pressed to find a Red Bull ad or an article in Maxim highlighting all the rage that is your average Doritos-fueled, all-night LAN party where the XP raids are plentiful and the closest thing to an actual girl in attendance is the occasional pop-up advertising for Viagra and porn. The scent of Axe body spray amongst my crowd would be called Passive, but we’d still all be too afraid to actually put any of it on in fear of encouraging interaction with one of those fabled, estrogen-based life forms.

Wow – when you put it that way, it’s a wonder I even met the girl in the first place, let alone managed to trick her into marrying me!

In all seriousness, though, aside from all of the typical stereotypes with regrets to being single that have never really applied to me anyways (see crazy, drunken nights that seemed to last forever…), I think I’m fairly confident in saying that the transition into married life is one that I’m ready to welcome with open arms. The way I see it, the daily routines for the most party stay the same – the only difference is that soon I’ll have myself a hot wife to drudge through all of them with! Sure, it’ll also mean a few more dishes to clean up after dinner and a little less elbow room in the bathroom in the mornings, but then again, it’s also another name on the list of folks who are pretty much guaranteed to get me a gift at Christmastime and that, the wise men tell me, is but the beginning of the give and take that makes up the union of marriage!

Now that having been proclaimed for all the world to witness, how much longer do I still have to put off writing these vows? Some things will never change…