I’d like to interrupt our regularly-scheduled programming for this vitally important public service announcement…

Ladies and gentlemen, snow is not your friend.

I know that this comes as a bit of a shock to some of you, given the whimsical and often times even playful manner in which this stuff is portrayed on TV and in the movies, but truth be told, snow is in all actuality a sinister, vile creation intended to chill all in its presence to the bone, enveloping entire landscapes with its mass and leaving behind a white blanket of shivery doom that has been known to stretch for miles and miles…and miles.

I’m making it a point to reach out to my audience in warning this holiday season because, especially in the northern states like Michigan and New York, it’s frighteningly commonplace for residents to become overly comfortable when it comes to snow and their interactions with it on a daily basis. Many even go so far as to enjoy the snow, looking forward to its arrival for the facilitation of activities like skiing and snowmobiling, however allow me to be perfectly clear when I say that this can be a dangerous, sometimes even deadly mistake to make!

If there’s even a remote chance that you or your loved ones could come in contact with snow during their travels this holiday season, I implore you with my utmost concern to take into consideration the following safety precautions:

1) Direct exposure of snow to one’s skin can result in frostbite, hypothermia, and even worse. Case in point – Frosty the Snowman was once a strapping, young lad from Alabama who was only visiting up north and didn’t know any better.

2) Unless driving a Sherman tank or military-grade SUV, transportation over snow-covered roads is virtually impossible. Don’t even bother…

3) Anyone you encounter who claims to “love the snow” is clearly psychotic and should be backed away from in a slow and careful manner. Do not attempt further interaction with these individuals, especially if they suggest an activity such as falling down large piles of snow as “fun.”

4) In the event that a thermometer is not available to gauge the temperature, the following can also be used of indicators that it is too cold outside:

  • visibility of one’s breath upon exhalation
  • freezing of one’s nostril hairs
  • sighting of a jolly, old, fat man and his eight reindeer flying through the clear night sky

For your unmitigated safety and to ensure a happy holiday free of any trips to the emergency room and/or an unforgiving, icy grave, please take note that snow is just one of those things that is best viewed through a window … preferably the window of television from a warm, tropical climate where every drink comes with an umbrella and the thermometers never dip below 65 degrees.

This concludes our public service announcement. Happy holidays to you and your own, and may all your Christmases be warm!