Man, some people will do anything to be on TV these days!

And apparently whereas in previous years, said anything used to involve maybe taking a random pie to the face or getting a bucket of slime dumped over one’s head, today we’ve made big strides past minimal humiliation right into the would of self-deprecating, downright painful, borderline insanity-driven cries for attention.

If it would please the court, let me now direct your attention to Exhibit A:

Now I don’t know if this dude purposely got bit by that huge freaking snake just so he could shoot it on video – lord knows National Geographic and the Discovery Channel and all of these other killer animal stalking venues have certainly been known for pushing their collective luck with things that could swallow a man in a single gulp in the past! Even if he didn’t mean to get bitten by the largest snake on the planet, it’s not exactly the most unlikely event that could possibly occur when you make a habit out of wrestling with twenty-foot-long snakes in the middle of remote swamps around the world. Scott’s Number One Survival Tactic If You Were to Get Bitten by an Anaconda? How’s about keep your ass out of the swamp to begin with?!

It’s just hard for me to have any sympathy for somebody who chases a killer animal into a corner, then wonders why it freaked out and tried to take their hand off – the guy’s lucky he didn’t end up like that furry, whatever-the-hell-it-was at the beginning of the video! There’s something about getting strangled and squeezed to death, and then eaten whole that just doesn’t sound pleasing at all to me. But I suppose the more that I think about it, in a time where the Internet is still battling against mainstream television for dominance in the entertainment industry, I guess there’s one thing worse than getting your hand nearly bitten off by an anaconda to go on TV … and that would be getting your hand nearly bitten off by an anaconda and thinking that it was going to make it on TV…

Crazy Snake Handler Guy: “Good God, does my hand hurt like bloody hell, but at least it sure made for a great clip! When’s it going to be on TV?”

National Geographic Producer: “Well, actually…I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this…but we were only taping this trek for an Internet video – to make it on TV, you would’ve actually had to be bitten by three anacondas … but what you did – that was cool, too…”

Now that’s the kind of burn that crazy snake handler guy is going to feel all the way to the medic’s tent, isn’t it?! Who knows, though – maybe it’s worth the price of possibly being on TV, maybe it isn’t. Somebody should ask him the next time he’s not playing WWF with grizzly bears or working on his fish food impersonations in shark-infested waters off the coast of Australia. But then again, speaking of sharks, it is arguable that while being a wild animal tempter for National Geographic is certainly crazy and undesirable career choice for all but perhaps those who currently work in call centers doing sales and customer service, it’s still not the only insanely dangerous job in television out there today…

Other Quite Dangerous Jobs in Television, According to Yours Truly…

  • pretty much any position associated with Discovery Channel’s Shark Week
  • “Talent” Scout for WE TV’s Bridezillas
  • Safety Coordinator for any show on Food Network featuring the creative cakes of one Duff Goldman
  • “Research” Analyst for Showtime’s Weeds (especially the last season or so!)
  • guy or gal who gets stuck buying the sex toys for Oxygen’s Talk Sex with Sue Johanson (maybe not dangerous, but definitely creepy…)

So I think the real lesson to take away from today, aside from don’t get bitten by a twenty-foot snake that has fangs like ginsu knives, mind you, is that at the end of your horribly mundane, boring workday spent selling overpriced sweaters or filing unnecessary paperwork, just be happy that your job responsibilities don’t include dealings with Great White sharks or overwhelmed brides, either!