This is a messy time to live in Florida.

Sure, summer’s finally come to an end, leaving us with slightly lower temperatures during the day, and hurricane season should in theory be wrapping up before we know it, but tanktop weather and flying Volkswagens are really the least of our troubles this time of year as we leave behind a realm of serene car trips with the top down and theme park visits where we didn’t have to worry about what to lean up against and move into a period where everything and everyone is plagued by the southern locusts that are … lovebugs!

Of course, anyone else who lives here in Florida can certainly relate that September is just as much a month of love as that other one that barrages us with hearts and flowers and crème-filled chocolates … except for instead of hearts and flowers and said delicious chocolates, instead we find ourselves being barraged with stinky bugs doing the nasty on every light-colored surface imaginable. From stucco walls to cement driveways and even on that awesome white shirt that’s surprisingly slimming when paired with the right pair of khakis, no surface is off-limits for this seasonal gathering of horny, navigationally-impaired denizens of lust. Their only known predator is the automobile windshield, but with the sheer quantity of elbow grease required to remove their dead carcasses after the slaughter, many Florida residents such as myself would argue that it’s probably easier to simply remain indoors for a few more weeks until the coast is clear…

But one thing about lovebugs – they may be hideous, disgusting insects that swarm obnoxiously over everything in existance here in Florida between the months of August and September each year, but you never catch them trying to spend $700 billion of your hard-earned money to save the asses of for-profit corporations whose blatant greed managed to push any inkling of clear judgement right out the window. Nope, at least lovebugs have that up on our brilliant Wall Street investors – who knows, maybe if they’d followed the lead of our lovebugs and spent more time screwing each other instead of the rest of us, this whole mess would’ve never even happened…

Of course, never fear, though, for Sarah Palin will soon be here to save the day, with her adorable smile and slapshot of justice. Mind you, Sarah Palin has never actually encountered lovebugs herself, but she’s been to Georgia and you can see Florida from there, so that’s practically the same thing! Let me tell you, I think it’s comforting to know that soon our nation will be enjoying the level of care and concern that only a soccer mom* can provide. Any inside word on what kind of snacks she’ll be bringing to the inauguration? Fingers crossed for rice krispie treats!

* I’m sure that a few (psychotic) pro-Palin patriots will be quick to correct me that their beloved Sarah is a hockey mom, not a soccer mom, so I’d just like to note real quick here that I don’t care! Soccer / hockey / croquet / horseshoes / any other pee-wee sport – they’re pretty much all interchangeable in my eyes.

I guess if there’s but one thing that we can count on, it’s that at least as far as the lovebugs are concerned they’ll soon be out of our hair (literally!) and have moved on to pester someone else in a matter of weeks … I’m not so sure that we can say the same for the other two! Well, the $700 billion bailout will definitely be gone – I’m sure the executives at large are already licking their chops and padding their Christmas lists as we speak. As for sweet, old Sarah, I guess the best we can hope for is that a PTA meeting or something comes up and distracts her long enough for us to elect someone who knows what the Vice President actually does … that is, besides preparing the President’s 3:00pm snack. It’s too bad, too, because I hear that John McCain is really a sucker for those ham and cheese roll-ups that look like little monsters – a delicacy around the Palin house, at least when caribu or moose isn’t readily available…