So needless to say, my anniversary ended up being pretty sweet.
As I eluded to ever-so-subtly in last week’s column, my wife surprised me with a trip to Disneyland for our anniversary this year and now having since returned from that very magical excursion out west, I’m pleased to report that Mickey’s original stomping grounds most certainly did live up to their moniker as The Happiest Place on Earth, even despite the ridiculous Columbus Day crowds and a certain overly-amorous chipmunk that was totally hitting on my wife over an otherwise delicious breakfast on our special day!
All in all, I know that I’m a pretty lucky guy – I mean, she could’ve just as easily gone “the traditional route” and gotten me a fancy wristwatch that I’d never wear or some ugly paperweight with our wedding date engraved on it that would’ve almost immediately gotten lost amongst the endless void of clutter that assumes residence over my desk on a daily basis. Instead, being the truly awesome wife that I married, she made the correct assumption that I’d much rather prefer to dine amongst the bandits from Pirates of the Caribbean for my anniversary dinner than spend the evening pretending to actually like whatever gift The Anniversary List had slotted for this particular year of marital celebration…
I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen The List, but if there was ever a reason for someone to accidentally forget their own anniversary date, knowing that all they’ve got to look forward to is an obnoxious wind chime or a personalized serving platter for surviving another year in America’s toughest institution certainly sounds like a perfectly valid option in my book! Seriously – wool … pottery … aluminum?! Maybe this was the kind of crap that married couples back in Ancient Mesopotamia looked yearned for as the celebration of their union came around each lunar revolution, but come on, people – this is the 21st Century! We’ve got running water and cell phones and animatronic pirates, for god sakes – our poor, married saps deserve something a little more awesome than a pair of matching, embroidered throw pillows for sticking it out another year!!!
If you ask me, and eventually someone will, it’s about time that somebody brought The List up to speed with the rest of society, and fortunately, when I’m not taking trips to far off lands inhabited by pirates and space rangers and questionably-clad pixies, this is exactly the sort of thing that I like to devote my time to solving. So tell me – which anniversary gifts would you rather look forward to year after year?!
| Anniversary Year | Traditional, Boring Gift | Awesome, New Gift |
| 1st | Paper | Playstation 3 |
| 2nd | Cotton | remote-controlled airplane and/or helicopter |
| 3rd | Leather | year’s supply of ice cream sandwiches |
| 4th | Flowers | afternoon at that laser tag place in the mall |
| 5th | Wood | LEGO Star Wars Collector’s Edition Death Star |
| 6th | Iron | Verizon iPhone (oh, who am I kidding?) |
| 7th | Wool | pinball machine, preferably themed after The Simpsons |
| 8th | Bronze | RonCo Food Dehydrator |
| 9th | Pottery | Battlestar Galactica DVD boxed set |
| 10th | Aluminum | trampoline |
| 11th | Steel | soft-serve ice cream machine |
| 12th | Linen | a pony |
| 13th | Lace | his and hers go-carts |
| 14th | Ivory | pool table |
| 15th | Crystal | an actual swimming pool |
| 20th | China | fill the swimming pool with their favorite flavor of Jello |
| 25th | Silver | ride on an exotic animal, like an elephant or a camel |
| 30th | Pearl | stripper (tasteful) |
| 35th | Coral | timeshare in the Bahamas |
| 40th | Ruby | race car … or at least a few laps around the track in one |
| 45th | Sapphire | one of those cool space pens that writes upside-down |
| 50th | Gold | a really, really, really big cake |
| 55th | Emerald | tombstone encrusted with jewels from the orient |
| 60th | Diamond | elixir from the Fountain of Youth |
Traditions were made to be broken, so why go another year without introducing a little awesomeness to your anniversary?!