So needless to say, my anniversary ended up being pretty sweet.

As I eluded to ever-so-subtly in last week’s column, my wife surprised me with a trip to Disneyland for our anniversary this year and now having since returned from that very magical excursion out west, I’m pleased to report that Mickey’s original stomping grounds most certainly did live up to their moniker as The Happiest Place on Earth, even despite the ridiculous Columbus Day crowds and a certain overly-amorous chipmunk that was totally hitting on my wife over an otherwise delicious breakfast on our special day!

All in all, I know that I’m a pretty lucky guy – I mean, she could’ve just as easily gone “the traditional route” and gotten me a fancy wristwatch that I’d never wear or some ugly paperweight with our wedding date engraved on it that would’ve almost immediately gotten lost amongst the endless void of clutter that assumes residence over my desk on a daily basis.  Instead, being the truly awesome wife that I married, she made the correct assumption that I’d much rather prefer to dine amongst the bandits from Pirates of the Caribbean for my anniversary dinner than spend the evening pretending to actually like whatever gift The Anniversary List had slotted for this particular year of marital celebration…

I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen The List, but if there was ever a reason for someone to accidentally forget their own anniversary date, knowing that all they’ve got to look forward to is an obnoxious wind chime or a personalized serving platter for surviving another year in America’s toughest institution certainly sounds like a perfectly valid option in my book!  Seriously – wool … pottery … aluminum?! Maybe this was the kind of crap that married couples back in Ancient Mesopotamia looked yearned for as the celebration of their union came around each lunar revolution, but come on, people – this is the 21st Century! We’ve got running water and cell phones and animatronic pirates, for god sakes – our poor, married saps deserve something a little more awesome than a pair of matching, embroidered throw pillows for sticking it out another year!!!

If you ask me, and eventually someone will, it’s about time that somebody brought The List up to speed with the rest of society, and fortunately, when I’m not taking trips to far off lands inhabited by pirates and space rangers and questionably-clad pixies, this is exactly the sort of thing that I like to devote my time to solving.  So tell me – which anniversary gifts would you rather look forward to year after year?!

Anniversary Year Traditional, Boring Gift Awesome, New Gift
1st Paper Playstation 3
2nd Cotton remote-controlled airplane and/or helicopter
3rd Leather year’s supply of ice cream sandwiches
4th Flowers afternoon at that laser tag place in the mall
5th Wood LEGO Star Wars Collector’s Edition Death Star
6th Iron Verizon iPhone
(oh, who am I kidding?)
7th Wool pinball machine, preferably themed after The Simpsons
8th Bronze RonCo Food Dehydrator
9th Pottery Battlestar Galactica DVD boxed set
10th Aluminum trampoline
11th Steel soft-serve ice cream machine
12th Linen a pony
13th Lace his and hers go-carts
14th Ivory pool table
15th Crystal an actual swimming pool
20th China fill the swimming pool with their favorite flavor of Jello
25th Silver ride on an exotic animal, like an elephant or a camel
30th Pearl stripper (tasteful)
35th Coral timeshare in the Bahamas
40th Ruby race car … or at least a few laps around the track in one
45th Sapphire one of those cool space pens that writes upside-down
50th Gold a really, really, really big cake
55th Emerald tombstone encrusted with jewels from the orient
60th Diamond elixir from the Fountain of Youth

Traditions were made to be broken, so why go another year without introducing a little awesomeness to your anniversary?!