Noisemakers – check.

Goofy-looking sunglasses shaped like 2011 – check.

Ready to take on a fresh set of challenges in the new year after having successfully completed all of your resolutions for 2010 – uh oh…

Did you even work on any of them at all???

Ok – don’t panic … this is still possible.  If there’s one thing that last week’s column about putting off your Christmas shopping until the absolute last possible minute taught us, aside from the fact that Mickey Mouse is awesome, of course, is that there’s always hope as long as there’s still time left on the clock and being that today is New Year’s Eve, there’s certainly no shortage of clocks as we prepare to countdown the last remaining moments of 2010 and make way for an even more spectacular 2011!

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here – you’ve got a lot to do if you’re going to knock out an entire year’s worth of New Year’s resolutions in a single day!  Fortunately your friendly, neighborhood humor columnist has come to the rescue, though, and I’ve done my part by putting together a little list of some of the most common resolutions, along with my own surefire method for completing each one as quickly as humanly possible.  Now don’t get me wrong – there are a couple of them where you might find yourself having to compromise a little for the sake of being super-ultra-lazy here in the 11th hour, but let’s face it, at this point even phoning a few of your resolutions in is still better than just completely ignoring them altogether…

Besides, when that shiny ball drops at the stroke of twelve and you can actually say that you did something with your life in the year 2010, you’ll thank me!  So without further ado for the sake of time – I present to you, the list…

Lose Some Weight
Diet and exercise didn’t work because, well, you actually need to do them in order to see the best results, but lucky for you there’s still another way – 24-Hour Liposuction! If you leave now, they can probably still get you in and out in time to catch the festivities … just remember to bring cash because, well, let’s just say that the 24-hour liposuction industry is one that runs on cash…

Quit Smoking
This one’s easy – smoking is gross, so knock it off already! Seriously, just round up all of the packs of those cancer death sticks that you’ve got stashed around the house, pitch ‘em in the trash, and then go ring in the new year with enough alcohol to sedate a small racing horse like all of us healthy people do…

Spend Less Money
Another simple one – when you go to do the one above, just be a girl so that somebody else will buy all of your drinks for you.  Easy-peasy!

Meet the Love of Your Life
Unless the love of your life happens to be a bartender or a “doctor” who performs 24-hour liposuctions, this might be one where you’ll want to consider lowering your standards just a bit.  How about instead meeting The Like of Your Life or maybe The Love of Your Night??? Let’s be honest – you were really just looking to get laid a little more often when you set this one last year anyways…

Get a Better Job
Really, I think everyone knows that you can’t find a better job until you’ve managed to escape all of the stress and chaos from your current job, so why put it off another day?!  A simple call from the bar with a hundred of your drunkest best friends to back you up should do the trick, and just think about how much more free time you’ll have to hunt for that dream job once you’ve had a chance to sober up tomorrow morning!

Generally Just Be a Better Person
Well, you’re reading this column, so needless to say you’ve already got an impeccable sense of humor going for you, and you’ve no doubt bought the book to match, so style and class shouldn’t be a problem, either.  I don’t know – maybe help an old cougar cross the street on the way to the club tonight, hold a few doors for the ladies, tip higher than you normally do, and that should be good enough, shouldn’t it?  I mean, “better” is a relative term, you know…

May 2011 bring you new rewards, redemptions, and if you’ve learned anything at all from today’s little whirlwind of a rat race, some new resolutions that will be just a tad bit easier to actually meet next year!

Happy New Year!!!