Who knew that watches were the missing key to my eternal happiness?!

Of course, they’re actually not – in reality, I haven’t worn a watch since I was 12 years old and even then I pretty much only used it to shine sunlight on the blackboard and annoy my teacher during history class, but you certainly wouldn’t know it from a quick scan of my inbox lately!  Nope, according to Gmail, watches (and also Viagra) are God’s answer to everything that’s ever gone wrong or will ever go wrong in the future in my life, from the girlfriends in high school who dumped me to that snotty, little three year-old who was giving me dirty looks in the mall food court last weekend while all I was trying to do was leisurely enjoy my Orange Julius.

Likewise, a good, quality watch will make up for years worth of unpaid video rental fees, bring your favorite dog Sparky back from that special doggy farm where your Dad sent him to go play with all of the other happy doggies when he was getting kind of old, and really, even these miraculous marvels still are only the beginning…

  • People will respect your more for wearing a respectful watch.
  • Your hand will lose all its senses without a watch on.
  • If you have a Submariner SS watch, the whole world will belong to you.
  • Look like your wallet is thick and full of cash
  • Your body will resist any other watch than a Submariner.

Those headlines are straight from the horse’s disgusting, spam-ridden mouth, folks, so you know that they have to be true!  Besides, who would really make up such elaborately both impressive and excessive bragging rights about an accessory that not-for-nothing has pretty much fallen to the wayside with the advent of those flashy, little clock-bearing LCDs – in full color, no less! – that can be found on cell phones carried by anyone 7 years and older?!  Only someone who doesn’t have a foot-long monster ready and waiting to give it to her all night long until she sings out Oh, What a Night! by The Four Seasons in ecstasy, that’s for sure!

Sorry about that – sometimes my spam filter takes a day off and those messages just start blurring into each other like some sort of drunken Van Gogh creation…

Needless to say, though, I’d love to meet the guy who figured out that watches were the real pay dirt as far as e-mail spam is concerned, and not just so that I could personally punch him in the face – I’m sure that once the swelling went down and he regained the ability to swallow on his own, we could have a great discussion about preying off of the gullibility of Timex-deficient netizens who see a headline like Year 2010 Mad Sale, Rep1icaWatches only from $196 and find themselves giddy about such an incredible business opportunity!  Granted, after our enlightening discussion over tea and crumpets, I’d probably end up punching him again, this time on behalf of said gullible netizens everywhere, but something tells me that deep down, the guy would understand.

It’s almost like he’s hitting himself, really…

In the meantime while we wait for his secretary to return my calls, though, maybe we could all just do each other a little favor and well, not make our next discount watch purchase via e-mail spam???  I know, I know – sometimes the bargains just seem too good to be true, but that’s only because they are too good to be true. Read: you will not actually receive a “watch,” and if you do, it will most likely turn your wrist green while inaccurately telling you what time it is. Sundials and clocks involving cuckoo-like birds should still be ok, but anything wrist-oriented you’re going to want to avoid.

Together we can do this, folks!  Remember, Earth Day is coming up next week, so Give a hoot – don’t cyber pollute! Only you can prevent watch spammers.  Let’s take a bite out of time!

You get the idea…