…a hole big enough to make CDs skip and spill hot, frothy beverages all over the place and even potentially blow out the tires on a guy’s car…

…a hole kind of like that one right over there.

For those of you playing along at home, Exhibit A here is one of several behemoth-size potholes that have recently taken up residence in my fair, little suburban community right here in the beautiful Tampa Bay Area.  They got a great location, mind you – a nice, waterfront area right near the main entrance with easy access to both the highway and other nearby amenities, and I guess I wouldn’t really be all that upset about it except for that they’re freaking potholes!!!  Why can’t I drive to my own house without feeling like I’m going to fall into one and wind up in the center of the Earth?!

I mean, seriously, folks – I wish I could fictionalize gargantuan holes of this incredible magnitude, but these ridiculous chasms truly are the Grand Poobahs of craters into the Earth’s crust, the likes of which have never before been seen on this strange, blue sphere that we call home.  Well, I take that back … I do have this one theory that these ominous pitfalls could be similar to the ones left behind by the meteor that killed off the dinosaurs some 65 million years ago, but that’s really just a theory at this point, kind of like the possibility that maybe they were caused by King Kong and Godzilla wrestling through my neighborhood or even some sort of rogue Death Star that was casually “testing” its primary weapon and just got a little out of control…

Hey, you never know!

Regardless of who or what militant overlord is actually responsible for these major inconveniences to the final leg of my otherwise leisurely drive home, though, one thing is certain – our Homeowners Association needs to get off their gold-plated heineys and get to fixin’ those asphalt-deficient deathtraps, pronto!  That is, as soon as they’re done patrolling the neighborhood in search of unauthorized drapery colors and cars that have tragically somehow been parked on the streets *gasp* between 6pm and 6am, of course.  Let’s not get crazy now … gaping pits littering our subdivision’s main driveway and endangering all who dare to enter our quaint, upper-middle class community are one thing, but parking on the curb – that shall not stand!

Really, I don’t care how they do it – fill them in with a few extra copies of the 250 pages of incessant nagging that make up our HOA bylaws, or maybe they could just add it to their schedule so that after they’re done “closing up” the pools and exercise room at 10:00pm sharp, they could just take turns filling the holes themselves! I’m sure being on the Board of Directors for so long has helped them to develop a thick skin anyways, and if it helps to prevent my favorite Gloria Estefan CD from skipping just before it gets to the best part every time Turn the Beat Around comes on, then as far as I’m concerned my dues and miscellaneous maintenance fees couldn’t be better spent without installing the water slide and complimentary wet bar that I keep requesting down by the pool.

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I despise our local HOA or anything – more so, I just really hate holes and I think that for my $120/month, I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m cruising the cobbled streets of London every time I pull out of my own driveway!  It has absolutely nothing to do with still being bitter about the mean note that they sent me earlier this spring for “not taking my Christmas lights and/or decorations down on time” when realistically it had only been three or four months – tops – since Santa himself had come to visit the previous year.  I’m just a man with a hole problem who wants to listen to Gloria Estefan without falling into the center of the Earth…

Did I mention that these are really big potholes???