I’ve got ideas!  I’ve got tons of ideas!!!

Sometimes I think that I should’ve become an inventor, what with all of the incredible ideas that are just constantly flooding forth from my ever-expansive imagination.  I can’t help it – maybe I’ll be driving around town, maybe I’ll be sitting in a small café in SoHo enjoying a nice ham sandwich, and then out of nowhere they just start coming at me like an avalanche of sheer brilliance, ready to bury the world in innovation with all sorts of new gadgets and gizmos and gimmicks that the buying public are without a doubt going to just absolutely love!

Now if only I knew how to actually make any of this stuff…

Still, it’s not like Steve Jobs designed the iPhone all by himself, right?!  Sure, I may not necessarily have the ingenuity required to actually create any of them, but you’ve got to admit that as far as ideas go, these are some pretty great ones, don’t you think?  I mean – how many of you would line up at 3am in the freezing cold to buy one of these???

For the suicidal iPhone … because I don’t know about you guys, but mine sure likes to take a flying leap off of whatever surface it’s resting on at the slightest vibration!  So smooth, so shiny, and apparently also so slippery…

Car Go Boom!
“Car in front of you go too slow?  No use turn signal?  Have annoying Baby On-Board sticker, yet still drive like crazy person?!  You need Car Go Boom! It works like this … bad driver ahead of you, press button, and boom! Car no longer in front of you … Car Go Boom!”

Something tells me that this one would be really popular, especially if you’re anything like me in that you’d rather go ballroom dancing with a rabid wolverine than spend 60 minutes five times a week running in place on a treadmill!  This is the 21st century – we’ve got robots, we’ve got liposuction … why don’t we have robots that can just do our exercise for us, then later systematically suck those calories right out of us while we’re watching re-runs of The Simpsons or something?!

Go-Go Gadget, Arm!
And speaking of robots, since I’m sure we’re eventually going to start slowly replacing our body with robotic parts to ensure mankind’s immortality anyways, so why not make it that much easier to reach things at the other end of the counter now?! Just think – scratching your own back, still being able to reach the ATM even when you pull up and leave a little too much room – what are we waiting for?!  The demand is already here, people!

RonCo HoneyBaked Ham-er-izer
Just think – the sweet deliciousness of HoneyBaked Ham … without even having to leave the comfort of your own home! I don’t want to sound like a HoneyBaked Fanboy, but if this were an actual product, I’d probably make myself one of their delectable deli sandwiches every single day of the week. I’d buy one for every room in my house.  And then I’d wait for the Ham-er-izer to go mobile!

I’m sure we’ve all taken advantage of that trusty button on the alarm clock that buys us a few more minutes of slumber in early morn, but why not kick that snooze up a notch with a wi-fi-enabled clock that buys you even more sleep time by automatically posting excuses all over the Internet about your AM delay!  A quick Facebook post about forgetting your niece’s school play, a few tweets about “working super late” the night before, and you’re back to la la land in the clear!

Man, do I need to meet somebody who knows how to mold wires and plastic into … stuff.  Anybody got Steve Jobs’ phone number?  Maybe I could just use the same guys that he uses…