Believe me – I’m just as surprised as you are, on account of my formerly-pregnant wife’s due date not falling for another solid six weeks on the calendar, but as they say, sometimes babies come early and you’re just going to have to deal with that, Sir…

…and by the way, congratulations or whatever…

So, yes! The rumors set forth in the title above are true … I am a father now, as of precisely 12:02pm on Tuesday. His arrival kind of threw off my whole lunch plans for the day, in addition to my breakfast plans because I technically never really got to go to bed the night before, but I’m going to give him a couple of weeks before I talk to him about that – he’s kind of been through a lot this week!

As have I, because let me tell you that I most certainly didn’t plan on writing this column this week, and the general confusion is still holding me back from forming any more than one or two complete thoughts here in a row. It seems like there should be so much to write about, like my wife’s water breaking and her asking for my opinion on the matter, or even the act itself of watching my little guy flow forth from her lady parts like something out of a science fiction movie … and I’m sure if someone had been there to take notes for me while I was busy getting ready to become a father, I’d be able to share some of those fine tales here with you today…

But there wasn’t, and I’m super tired, so we’re just going to have to improvise. Granted I’m still a little new to this gig, but I thought I’d use this space this week to offer some words of wisdom to my newborn son. So where do we start???

Christopher, I hope that you laugh – so much.

May your sense of humor be the highlight of your best times and help guide you through your worst. Remember that there’s no such thing as an inappropriate joke as long as you’re conscious of the company you keep.

May you wonder in all of the joys of childhood, whether we’re introducing you to singing frogs and whistling mice or showing you how to get to Sesame Street, and then let the nostalgia for those times be a memory for you to fondly revisit for the rest of your days.

May you take it easy on the poops because from what I’m told that’s going to be one of my primary responsibilities for the next couple of years. Seriously, you’ve only been out for three days … what was she feeding you in there, roofing shingles and motor oil?!

May you learn to take pleasure in the simple things around you, whether it’s a cool breeze on a hot, Florida afternoon or a wireless device that allows you to shoot Angry Birds in revenge at the swine who cruelly stole all of your family’s eggs.

May that game be at least marginally relevant when you’re old enough to read this column because not for nothing, but it’s pretty huge right now! We’ve got Angry Birds bed sheets, Angry Birds toothbrushes … you name it, there’s a version for sale with Angry Birds slapped on it…

May you never be afraid of things that aren’t worth being afraid of. Valid fears include things like monsters, alligators, heights, and not getting your allowance if you don’t pick up your toys when I tell you to, whereas invalid fears are things like being afraid of what other people think of you or being afraid to tell your parents … anything.

May following your dreams become a blueprint for how you will live the rest of your life, whether your dreams are being a fireman or exploring in space or taking care of your parents after they’ve long run out of money sending you to college and spoiling your own children in ways that will even dwarf how we plan to totally and ridiculously spoil you.

May you and I share so many laughs, and so many smiles, and so many surprisingly tame poops as we get to know each other in the days and weeks and years to come.

Christopher Elliott Sevener … my son … I’ve got so many things to show you!

Welcome home.