I know, I know … if we’re just being honest here, nobody really likes being courteous to others!
I mean, sure, we begrudgingly do it because society implores us to be kind to our neighbors and because our elementary school principals harped on and on about how we should do unto others blah blah blah every single morning before the Pledge of Allegiance, but if it hadn’t been ingrained into our heads at such a young and impressionable age, I think we can all agree that being a gigantic jerk is the preferable way to live your life when it comes to interacting with other people.
It’s for that reason that I’ve put together the following list of tips to help you keep up your courteous facade so that while on the surface it will appear that you’re a decent human being, no one has to know that under the surface you’re actually quite the cantankerous fellow just like the rest of us…
Try Not to Run People Down in the Parking Lot
Surveys show that if there’s one thing that pedestrians hate, it’s getting mowed down by SUVs and minivans because their drivers are too preoccupied with finding their own spots than considering that in only a few short minutes, they’ll too also be pedestrians themselves. Avoiding vehicular manslaughter is an easy way to be courteous to others, plus it saves you lots of fussy insurance paperwork to boot!
Avoid Using a Bullhorn to Point Out That Someone is Talking Loudly on the Phone
Cellphones are the great equalizer of discourteous behavior here in the 21st century, but shouting into the bullhorn that you carry everywhere just to make a point about someone being loud on their phone just contributes to the problem, and can you imagine the ears of the person on the other end of the line?! Hearing loss is no laughing matter, even if their friend is kind of a jerk.
Tip Your Waitress Like an Actual Human Being
Just because you’re in a bad mood or a you’re a cheapskate or you were served a bowl of soup with several flies doing assorted swimming strokes in it doesn’t mean it’s cool to deprive your waitress of her livelihood. If tipping isn’t your thing, consider alternate dining establishments such as those who serve their food primary in nugget-form or your own kitchen, where you won’t even get in trouble for not wearing pants.
Don’t Swear at Babies
They don’t understand what you’re trying to tell them anyways and chances are they’ll learn those important life phrases from their own relatives soon enough, so save your breath and just swear directly at their stupid parents instead.
Channel the Bulk of Your Aggression into Hastily Typed Internet Comments
At the end of the day, there’s no better way to express yourself than through random jabs at strangers who you’ll never meet in real life … even though a lot of times yours comments are linked directly to your Facebook profile and they could totally track you down and punch you in the face if they really wanted to. But they probably wouldn’t because people on the Internet are more rational than that…
Of course, these are just a few ideas that I’ve conjured up for the greater good – I’m sure there are lots of other marginally kind things one can do such as playing your music at a volume that doesn’t rattle the teeth of people in the cars around you and not trying to poison your neighbor’s cat. Be creative and have some fun with it!
And if it slips out to a few people that you’re really kind of a jerk in disguise, then that’s ok because chances are they’re probably all jerks themselves, too.