“Is there anything I can do for you to help maximize my commission check without doing any actual work?”
I can’t be the only one that this kind of stuff happens to, can I?! Walking into the local convenience store with simply the goal of returning the product just purchased for one that isn’t missing eleven parts, you would think that it should be a fairly cut and dry procedure – take broken toy, replace with fully-functioning Homer Simpson action figure (complete with radiation rods and kung-fu, donut-munching grip), send customer on his merry way, smiling like the goofy idiot that he is as he imagines all of the neat little scenarios he can introduce Homer to instead of doing any actual work. That’s not exactly how it went down, though. It actually went a little something like this…
Me: Hi! This ended up being broken when, errr, my little brother opened the box, so I need to exchange it for a new one.
Customer Service Minion: Well, if you broke it, then that’s not our problem. We don’t have to take back something just because your little brother is too rough on his toys!
Me: No, I don’t think you understand. There were parts missing when I, I mean he first took it out of the package. This particular one didn’t have Homer’s lunchbox, remote control, and a bunch of other stuff, so we need to get one that actually does.
Customer Service Minion: Sir, just because you lost some of the parts for your toy, don’t come crying to us! Did you try checking underneath the couch? That’s where my two-year-old always loses his toys…
Me: You really just don’t get it, do you? Ok, I bought this action figure and the package doesn’t contain everything that it’s supposed to and I want a new one! I’ve got my receipt right here, so if you can’t help me alleviate this situation, then let me speak to your manager.
Customer Service Minion: Sir, I am the manager. Hey Cindy – come and cover the desk for me. I’m gonna go take a cigarette break out front…
It seems like nowadays not a single person bearing the words customer service in their title actually gives a hoot about servicing the customer, as if fixing mistakes that shouldn’t have ever happened in the first place and getting reamed by customers for hours upon hours each day is suddenly such a self-deprecating position! I know that there are a huge number of jobs that really suck out there, mainly because I, too, have held a lot of them, but nevertheless a job is still a job and I’m pretty sure that your boss isn’t just paying you to glare stubbornly at my broken toy because you’re pissed that you got scheduled to work on Saturday, so until that screenplay of yours actually does get picked up by Hollywood and you get to flip us all the bird as you damn the man in one final rage by walking out after lighting your smock on fire in the middle of cosmetics, how’s about just walking those pretty, little fingers of yours over to the register and getting me on my way?!
I’m a firm believer that you need to make the best of any given situation, no matter how much you don’t like getting up at seven o’clock in the morning, so it really peeves me when I come across these types that see fit to make my own experience miserable just because they hate their job. What’s that – you don’t like folding the same pairs of pants thirty different times in one morning because none of us can remember exactly what size we wear? It’s not a good time for you to check out my groceries when I interrupt your Harlequin love novel at eleven thirty with my breakfast burritos and other essential bachelor chow? Bringing my friends and I margaritas instead of gossiping with the girls back in the kitchen isn’t how you wanted to spend your Friday night? Well, guess what? I don’t really care, so get the bug out of your ass, turn that frown upside-down, and get me my alcohol!
It’s usually even worse when dealing with these customer support representatives over the phone – does the whole long distance aspect of our relationship purposely leave us privy to being treated in a sub-human manner? Think about it – if you want to dispute an item on your bank card and opt to attempt to resolve the issue over the phone, you’ll end up waiting on hold for a minimum of three decades before you even get the opportunity to be abused by one of their representatives! Even when you do finally get to speak with a real, live person, chances are they’ll have you wishing you were back listening to the golden hits of the 80s before you finish reading off your thirty-two digit account number…that is, if you’re lucky enough to get somebody who even speaks English…
So really, what’s it going to take to get these folks to shape up around here?! Just let me know because frankly, I’d be more than willing to give my first born just to make it through the drive-through line at McDonald’s once without getting the evil eye from the cashier for mistakenly requesting a Whopper instead of a Big & Yummy or whatever the hell they’re called! I’ll organize a rally for people who get stuck working more than one weekend a month and collect cans to benefit the girls who think that nine dollars an hour isn’t nearly enough incentive for them to sit on their butts behind a glass case all day and not help me pick out a birthday gift for my girlfriend – whatever you want, just say the word. If our customer service representatives are happy, then there might very well be a tiny, microscopic chance of us actual customers being happy, too.
In the meantime, can you help me lift up the end of this couch? I think I can see Homer’s briefcase from here…