Recently I was walking down the street and somebody asked me what my New Years Resolutions were. Keep in mind that I live in a fairly small town, so it’s not really that big of a deal for a complete stranger to be curious about the hopes and dreams of someone they’ve never actually met. Unfortunately, things have been so busy that I really didn’t know what to tell them, so I did what any logical person would do in a case like this – I lied.

Ok, actually I pretty much diverted to the default resolutions of losing weight, spending more time with the family and taking up an obscure hobby which I honestly couldn’t care less about, like knitting or small engine repair. I think that I would normally be able to just re-use the same resolutions from the year before, considering they last until about the second week of January, but seeing as I usually never even think to set any resolutions until that second week, it kinda becomes useless. Nevertheless, this year will be different because unlike other years, I found a way I can milk a column out of it at the same time! Actually, my original goal was to fit in half a dozen various birthday gifts as well, but I’ve only got so much time to get this done…

Of course, all columnists are pretty much expected to write a piece on resolutions this time of year, so I thought I’d do something just a little bit different. Rather than take a look into the future, I’m thinking that it might be fun to take a little look at the past and all the zany events that have happened over the last year. Ponder with me for a few…

  • What if the citizens of Florida actually knew who they had voted for?
  • What if that whole Y2K thing really had happened?
  • What if bell-bottoms and tie-dye suddenly came back into fashion?
  • What if the people behind Tomb Raider, Jurassic Park 3 and the other “hit movies of the summer” had spent their time doing something productive?
  • What if there had been a category in the 1st Annual Just Laugh Weenie Awards for the Biggest Publicity Stunt of 2001?
    • Could anyone have possibly topped us?
  • What if we suddenly pulled a Dr. Lobster and hated all of our readers?
    • How in the world do they get away with it and still pull down those numbers, anyways???
  • What if Kim Burke actually did have that creepy, third leg?
  • What if our invitation to the 15th Annual American Comedy Awards hadn’t gotten “lost in the mail?”
  • What if I had gotten sex for Christmas?
    • What would Santa have carried it in?
  • What if I hadn’t put off this column until the night before it was due?
    • Would it have actually mattered?
    • Could it really have been any funnier, anyways?

I could go on and on, but there’s a glass of eggnog calling my name and I just hate to keep a good drink waiting! But before I wrap this up, let me make one recommendation to you for the year 2002:

If you want to make a worthwhile improvement to your life in the New Year, STOP TAKING IT SO SERIOUSLY!!!

Yeah, that’s right – live a little! It seems like not nearly enough people in this world know how to laugh anymore and if you ask me, that’s exactly what we need in times like these. Life is chaotic enough without people stressing out about every little thing, so the next time you find yourself at your wit’s last end, try something like this…

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning.The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, “I can’t take this anymore! I can’t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?”

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt.

She can see the man’s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, “I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?”

Eagerly, she shakes her head, “Yes!”

As the man hands her his shirt, he says, “Here. Iron this.”

Happy holidays!