It’s hard to believe that we’ve already been on this “island” for eight weeks! Above that, I think it’s even harder to believe that I’ve lasted this long without writing a column about all of my wacky and zany adventures that have gotten me to this point, but luckily I was fresh out of material this week anyways, so this is what we like to call perfect timing

For those of you living out of the loop, far from the know or simply a normal life, I’m speaking of the critically-acclaimed, reality smash-hit of the year, Humor Columnist Survivor! Hosted by Greg Gagliardi of Progressive Revelations fame, myself and eighteen other writers were invited to the island where, by the end of eighteen long weeks, the title of The Ultimate Survivor will be awarded to the last writer standing. Oddly enough, though, unlike in the original Survivor, we don’t technically get to vote each other off – instead, the votes are cast by all of our readers, assuming we actually have them, so basically our fate is determined by the size of our audience and how many of them can manage to figure out Greg’s voting process, which surprisingly has worked out quite well for me so far! Now we’re just nearing the halfway point, so I thought that it was only appropriate for me to give you all a little glimpse of the island itself…

Ok, now I’m probably not supposed to do this, but right off the bat I should tell you that there is no actual island, hence the term proverbial (read: fake, as in proverbial election or proverbial entertainment). Nope, instead of getting air-dropped onto some remote island in a far-off land, Greg has arranged for all of us to setup camp in an old office building in the heart of Manhattan. Of course, all of our necessities – catered meals, bottled water and Internet access, have been provided, and we even get our own offices for “privacy” concerns. We’ve got all the time we could ever want to work on our material, search for dirty pictures on the ‘net and generally be as anti-social with each other as possible, so it’s actually pretty close to life back home…arguably maybe even a little better!

I’ve been getting a lot of e-mail regarding my strategy, so I thought that this would be a great time to blow the entire contest and announce it to the world right now! Yeah, that’s going to happen…honestly, I don’t have a real strategy, per se, but in an attempt to add length (and maybe even a little funny) to this piece, here are a few items I have been trying to focus on:

  • Don’t be a pain in the ass – This one is kinda tough for me, but I’m thinkin’ that if I’ve gotta spend almost twenty weeks in a confined space with the rest of these people, I’ll do whatever it takes to not be that guy who keeps sticking his gum underneath the conference room table.
  • Never be the guy to take the last bottle of water – Sure, the hunky water guy is only a phone call away, but I’m not going to be the one who gets blamed for an hour and a half while he tries to find our building! Besides, I can always dip from the stash of bottles I hid away in my mini-fridge during the first couple of weeks if need be…
  • Stay out of everybody’s way – I don’t gossip. I don’t rebel and pick fights. I don’t make pathetic attempts to have sex with the rest of my fellow castaways. I’m thinking that if they forget that I’m even around, they can’t instruct their own readers to vote me off.

Maybe I’ll get more complex and draw out diagrams and graphs, outlining diabolical schemes to ensure my victory later on in the game, or maybe I’ve already done these things and I’m just not telling you! Didn’t think about that, did you? Well, I’m guessing that I won’t be able to secure a sure-win position as the next Elisabeth or Neleh (even though neither of them actually won, now did they?), so only the future knows exactly what I’ll be willing to do to take this thing to the bank! Speaking of the bank – hey Greg, exactly what is the prize for winning this creation of yours, anyways???

Well, that sound means that the caterers should be coming through the door with our dinner anytime now, so I’ll bring this edition to a close for now. (Man, I hope it’s not shrimp and caviar again…there’s only so much even I can take!) I should say, though, that this has been a great experience so far and I’m taking a lot away from my time here: I’m getting much better at wastepaper basketball, thanks to daily tournaments with Jason and Erik. I’ve also seen some great traffic jams out the conference room window which I just don’t normally get to see back home in Northern Michigan, so it’s definitely an experience that I won’t soon forget. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing…well, you be the judge!

Those barbecue shrimp are callin’ my name, so if you’ll excuse me…