You know, I always try my best to keep things new and fresh when I’m writing these columns, taking particular care not to repeat topics incessantly until they’ve been proverbially beaten into the ground. I try to do this, but sometimes y’all just don’t give me any other choice…

For those of you who didn’t get the memo, I recently moved down here to Florida from the chilly peaks of Northern Michigan, and for the most part, I absolutely love it! The weather’s warm, the scenery is nothing short of gorgeous (…in more aspects than one…), and the people are as friendly as all get-out. We’re coming up on Thanksgiving here shortly and the temperatures continue to break the nineties on a regular basis, so from any normal man’s perspective, it would seem that things are relatively perfect down here…or at least from any pedestrian’s perspective, that is. You see, not only does Florida have its share of oranges, theme parks, and over-priced souvenirs, it also happens to have its share of crazy-ass drivers (along with the several other states’ shares as well)! I don’t know if it’s because 60% of them can’t see over the steering wheel or if it’s just something in the water, but I think it goes without saying that these Floridian drivers down here need a little more assistance behind the wheel than any driver’s ed. class could ever provide!

And of course, that’s where I come in, ready and willing to happily share my superb knowledge with all those who want to hear it…and many who don’t as well! It’s not that I consider myself to be an expert on this stuff or anything, but it’s mostly common sense, anyways…or so one would hope. Nonetheless, I feel that it’s really my civic duty to bring a few things to light because, damn, you guys are gonna kill somebody – seriously…

• First of all, there seems to be a bit of confusion as far as just exactly how these traffic lights are to be understood – RED = STOP, GREEN = GO, AND YELLOW = SLOW DOWN!!! Just because you saw the light when it was green doesn’t automatically give you the right to go through it when you finally get there…
• Merging from one highway onto another is also apparently a problem, especially if you’re in a larger area, as I am, that happens to have many larger roads. Unless you actually see a sign that says “Lane Ends – Merge Left” there’s really no reason to immediately whip into the other lane or stop until traffic lets you in.
• Also irritating the hell out of me are the people who change lanes while they’re making a turn – those dashed-lines are there for a reason, people! You can cut me off once we’re going straight again, but for the time being, just cool it already…
• Everyone seems to be in a hurry these days, unfortunately so much that they’re unknowingly slowly the rest of us down and they don’t even realize it! Understand that when you weave in and out of traffic, everyone behind you has to slow down to accommodate your rude driving efforts. For the most part, we all know where we’re going, so let’s keep the lane changes to a minimum, eh?
• Emergencies and other sporadic problems can come quickly and silently on the road, so the next time that you’re doing ninety down the interstate, consider what might happen if you suddenly came up on an accident over that hill – can you come to a complete stop in a matter of seconds?! Also important to remember – rain makes roads slippery…
• And for God’s sake, hang up your damn cell phone already!!! You’re a lousy enough driver as it is, and even if you’re not, there are just too many other cellular-toting jerks out there to cover the gap, so either pull over or wait until you get home.
• Most importantly of all to remember, though, is that there are other people in those cars out there, just like you, that simply want to get to their destination unscathed. Some may be in a hurry, while others are out to merely take in the view, so don’t be a jerk out on the road. It add maybe an extra five seconds onto your trip to let someone pull out onto the road from a gas station or change lanes to avoid taking the wrong exit, so play nicely out there and remember the golden rule.
• And if that just sounds like way too much work for you, then remember that driving isn’t for everybody. As cities get bigger and travel becomes more expensive, public transportation and even walking are doing their part to help keep the streets manageable, plus you might even meet a new friend or two, to boot! Point blank, if you can’t handle the responsibilities of operating a motor vehicle, whether it be due to disability or old age or even anger management problems, just do us all a favor and find yourself another way to get from A to B, will ya? I just can’t afford to pay any higher insurance premiums than I’m already paying…