We’ve all been down this road at one point or another… Does my breath smell ok? Does this shirt make me look like a fruitcake? Is she going to like the restaurant I chose? What if he’s gay? What if she’s not gay? No activity other than dating, with the possible exceptions of nuclear warfare and that first time you take your driver’s test, has ever made anybody so god-awfully nervous, scared, excited and horny at the same time, even before you ever make it out of the house! The following evening could turn out to be one of the most memorable moments of your life, with intriguing conversation and a breath-taking meal shared with someone actually willing to spend time with you and goofy waiters doubling as professional violinists, or it could end up being the date from hell, complete with a bar that charges $6.95 for a single bottle of beer, drunken frat boys hitting on your date all night, and a companion who refuses to put down her cell phone for five seconds, even just to request that you stop ogling the waitress’ boobs! Rated the number one cause of insanity by yours truly, dating is an activity which, although can be undeniably enjoyable beyond your wildest fantasies (well, most of them anyways…), should nonetheless be approached with extreme caution, should you prefer to make it out alive…

My own personal experience in the dating game can probably be best compared to the ever-chaotic track record of the transportation giant AmTrak – staying silent in the background for years on end until finally reminding the world of its existence on some random Thursday in March with a casualty report that would’ve made Hitler blush! Although I can’t say as though I frequent the dating scene quite as much as most guys my age, or even guys twice my age, at the end of the day I still manage to feel as though I’ve had my share of the action…or at least the sheer exhaustion makes it seem like I have! It is normal to go through a three-to-five day recovery period filled with migraines, blackouts and intermittent nausea after your average, run-of-the-mill night on the town, right?

There’s no doubt about it – dating can be tough even for the best of us and anyone who tries to tell you different is either asexual or high on angel dust! Of course, one would think that the most difficult part of the whole concept is the actual procuring of the date itself, which can be true…but we’ll hit on some exceptions later. From the grocery store to the local bar and everywhere in between, there are literally hundreds of places to meet and interact with potential dating candidates, that is if you’ve got the balls (or ovaries?) to actually walk up and hit on someone while they’re perusing the frozen fish department. If not, never fear, as it seems like nowadays any given person always has at least three overly-excited friends looking to play matchmaker and screw with the personal affairs of others, so simply casually dropping the hint that you’re currently not in a coma typically has the potential to make way for dozens of really nice people with great personalities that can’t get dates on their own…just like you! If nothing else, don’t be so quick to overrule the multitude of dating sites on the Internet (Official Motto: I may be pasty-faced, desperate, and still living with my parents, but I’m the only one talking to you…). They may be a bit homely or ill-mannered around new people, but hey – what did you expect when you decided to consult the world’s largest geek database for social advice?

So now that you’ve actually got a date, what are you going to do? (That is, besides the usual dry-heaving, profuse sweating and nervous twitching for two solid days before the date itself…) We all know that there’s a good chance that no matter what you finally decide on, your companion is going to absolutely hate and ridicule you about it all night, so it only makes sense to at least choose a place or event that you can enjoy – heavyweight boxing matches, monster truck rallies, ‘80s rock and roll concerts and cockfights are all fine examples here! It is vitally important that all of the dating scenario possibilities be taken into consideration when making this choice because although you might think that you’d want plenty of room for conversation and getting-to-know one another, if your date turns out to be an utter bore, you’ll wish that Truck-O-Saurus and Truck-zilla were waiting on the sidelines to break the silence! Besides, if you do end up wanting to actually talk, you can always go outside or something…

Now allowing for the benefit of the doubt, your date could theoretically go one of two ways. Type one involves the both of you having an enjoyable evening with relatively few slip-ups on your behalf and ultimately ending in the possibility of either wild, passionate sex or at least another date in the near future bearing its own potential for wild, passionate sex, while type two incorporates several wildly-heated debates on controversial topics which you both possess opposite and concrete viewpoints about, hourly check-ups via cell-phone from her ex-boyfriend with whom she insists that she’s just friends, and sometimes if you’re really lucky, they’ll even throw in a good, healthy brawl! I should also note that option number two is the only one that actually ever happens in this place we call reality. If anyone out there actually has ever experienced a date comparable to type one, please contact me as soon as possible as I’d love to accompany you on your next trip to Never-Never Land

Assuming that you’ve just experienced a type two dating catastrophe, you’re probably now wondering what the best way to move on from here might be. The obvious solution would be to get wickedly drunk and do your best to permanently erase the previous twenty-four hours from your memory, but the problem with this plan is that if you forget everything that’s just happened, chances are you’re just going to end up making the same mistakes again anyways! You could gather up a group of your buddies and go toilet paper your date’s house as punishment for putting you through a maitre’d hell last night, which surprisingly does make you feel better despite any legal implications! Nevertheless, your best bet would be to spend the next several evenings psychoanalyzing yourself and your personal life, taking ruthlessly detailed notes about your most indisputable flaws and consulting various professionals with outrageous hourly fees until you’re finally able to deconstruct your hideously-scarred personality and mold it into something that might one day actually be desirable by another human being. It may sound like a complex and involved process, but nobody ever said that dating was easy…

And while you’re at it – stop looking to the Internet for dating advice! Do I really even need to tell you this one again?!