Ladies and gentlemen, sound up the band, for I have an announcement of epic proportions – one that aims to skyrocket the male gender into the 21^st century, and possibly even beyond! My friends – raise your heads high, as I – Scott Sevener – am now the proud owner of foliage.

It’s a big step in the life of today’s ever-budding bachelor, let me tell you – coming to that stifling decision to bring another living dependent into the home, and not even one that comes with a tax deduction, no less! Chalk it up to the loneliness of a less-than-successful bacheloring-period or even the sheer laziness of, well, being a guy, but when it all comes down to it, if you’re looking to welcome a new change into your life (and that change can’t be fulfilled by the likes of Sony or Nintendo), then you really can’t go wrong with one of our green, leafy friends from the great outdoors…

But I do have to admit one thing as I continue to progress into the fresh, new world of being a plant owner – it certainly ain’t nearly as easy and carefree as depicted from day to day on television and in the movies! In fact, I might even go so far as to say that the job can be downright tedious at times, and it’s certainly not that I bought myself one of those fancy, Beverly Hills-type, high-maintenance plants, either. Nope, I did my research and asked plenty of questions of the nice ladies at my local superstore of choice, but there are just some things that a guy can’t prepare for!

I knew that the experience would be like no other before I even stepped out of the store, as I was gathering up the other necessary supplies for my project – soil, a stylish vessel for my new friend to call home, and even some plant food, if you will. If I had it my way, Scott’s plant would dine on nothing but the finest pizza rolls and miniature cheeseburgers that money can buy, but apparently “they don’t contain the same vital nutrients and minerals that our specialty plant foods contain,” as I was soon informed by said same nice ladies, so instead we opted to select a small box of regular, ordinary, boring plant food instead – no spicy chicken flavor or anything! Nonetheless, this wasn’t the biggest of my problems by far…

Nope – the issue that I was confronted with was even larger than a lack of tasty junk foods reserved for members of the flora family. Now mind you that this probably stems back into the concept of keeping plants as a whole, but have you ever noticed that it is virtually impossible to find a manly-looking watering can?! You can’t do it, or if you can, it certainly can’t be done shopping in any of the same places that I visited that day, and might I add that Tampa most definitely has its share of flora-friendly establishments. After literally hours upon hours of searching in vain for the water dispensing apparatus that simply did not exist, I finally decided that the only alternative to a pastel future was going to be to come up with a makeshift container myself. Of course, then my imagination began to run wide as I pondered that various liquor and beer bottles would make quite manly watering devices, indeed, but really, it would be going well out of my way to procure a bottle of whiskey merely for the purpose of watering the plants…a conundrum to say the least, that’s for certain!

Sure, I know it may not sound like much to you folks here and now, but these are the types of hard-pressing issues that I have to deal with on a day-by-day basis!

So in the end I did end up finding a nice substitute without having to leave the comforts of my own apartment – a two liter bottle previously containing soda, if you must know – and Rex (that would be my plant’s name, short for Ricardo, mind you) couldn’t be happier! He stands watch just outside the entrance to my home while I sit inside and watch television – it’s a mutual agreement that seems to work well for both of us thus far, and above it all, I can now put on my resume that I have taken the next step to living with others. I’m not anywhere near a live-in girlfriend yet, or even a roommate for that matter, but who knows – perhaps there’s room for a few more fish in this domicile, or some snails would be good…

…or maybe even a puppy – wouldn’t that make for some interesting stories…